Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Catching up on the TFLNs, part 4


(413): she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

(518): I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!

(480): A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.

(517): I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

(508): i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate

(846): he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.

(502): How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast

(814): Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

(617): mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.

(519): Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

(817): he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.

(206): She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

(860): i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.

(315): Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

(402): I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

(720): I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists


Snow 1, Shovel 0

Monday, December 27, 2010

Catching up on the TFLNs, part 3

(850): it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday

(530): Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.

(706): What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

(240): just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five

(727): Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.

(716): My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.

(734): Walk of Shame today included voting.

(541): New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.

(814): Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

Semi-random thoughts

  • SmartTix's new(?) print-at-home e-ticket feature does not seem to work when you order tickets for more than one show at a time. It worked fine when I was ordering a ticket for only one show.
  • For some reason margaritas just don't agree with my corset. I don't have any problems with vodka or gin drinks, but margaritas just sort of sit there, going down very, very, slowly.  
  • Warning to all commercial tweeters: I did not join Twitter to see ads. If you reply to a tweet of mine with an ad, I will report you for spam.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Catching up on the TFLNs, part 2

(360): tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse

(+49): The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

(214): I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

(514): I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels

(+44): Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night

(540): Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

(315): I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.

(443): Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

(936): the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

(303): Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

(605): Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.

(416): Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

Micro movie review

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1: More of the same, but no more fun and games at Hogwarts for Harry. It's all pretty serious now, even if it's pretty clear where everything is heading. I'd sure like to have Hermione's purse.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Catching up on the TFLNs, part 1

It's been over two months since I posted any Texts From Last Night. There are a large number of good ones, so I'm going to break the posts up, sort of by subject.


(425): You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

(650): You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...

(250): you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

(818): Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

(215): If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.

(845): You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

(715): I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

(202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

(864): and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.

(415): You kept trying to hail an ambulance

(512): I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

Micro movie review

The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest: Very nice, but lacking the suspense of the first two. Don't bother if you haven't seen them.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Festivus greetings!

To all those who observe Festivus, have a happy one.

If you'd like to sing a Festivus song, see my previous post.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Plat du jour--guest submission

Dn that.

Another one found by Joanne.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Micro movie review

The King's Speech: You'll enjoy it royally.

Friday, December 17, 2010

I'll give him an "A" for creativity.

Inmate seeking kosher meals cites Festivus belief

Semi-random thoughts

  • I've finished my last mandatory continuing legal education class for the biennium! Now I can renew my registration and be a lawyer for another 2 years. And I even have an extra hour of CLE that I can carry over to the next biennium.
  • When I set up my account at the Office of Court Administration, so I could renew my registration as a lawyer online, I had to enter the sum of the digits of my social security number. That's a new one. One of my friends commented that they seem to be into numerology at OCA.
  • My new strategy for not eating between meals: I wear my corset nice and tight.
  • I once posted that I'd never have to refill my Metrocard in the subway again. I was wrong. Last night I lost my automatically refilling EasyPay card. I reported it missing, and the MTA person said it would be 10 to 15 business days before my new one arrives. Only a monopoly could get away with such poor customer service.
  • L'Oreal discontinued my favorite lipstick. But I was able to find 7 tubes online. Assuming they all arrive safely, that should keep me nice and colorful for quite some time.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Rant of the day

My space heater has two settings, "Low" and "High." They should be marked "Useless" and "Incinerate."

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Plat du jour

Not to be confused with BIFFY.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Somali thugs lose another one

US Navy: Merchant sailors foil pirate attack

Semi-random thoughts

  • The eight word Thanksgiving greeting my stockbroker sent me was followed by 283 words of fine print legalese disclaimers.
  • I was actually rooting for Boise State to beat Nevada. I'd have loved to see the Wisconsin offense steamroll over them in the Rose Bowl.
  • One of these days I will catch up on everything, and post more often. The obstacle today was all the time I spent fixing my wife's computer. It looks like her user profile got deleted somehow. When nothing I tried restored it, I ended up creating a new user for her, but it's not the same. And it was a big hassle to do it, because there was only the one profile on the computer, and I had a great deal of difficulty getting into safe mode.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Another classy flash mob

First there was this.

HT to @bunnywunny on Twitter.

Monday, November 22, 2010

And as I've also said before, I love it when parents tell their kids the truth

From Overheard in New York:
Father: I don't even want to know how many calories this burger has.
Young daughter: What's a calorie?
Father: A calorie is a unit of flavor.

--Five Guys Burgers, Brooklyn
Or as an old friend of mine is fond of saying,
Calories are nature's way of making things taste good.

I've said it many times before, I ♥ NYC

From Overheard in New York:
Religious promoter: Jesus is the eternal savior! Only He can save you from the doom that you see in the movies that destroy New York!
Passerby: May I ask where you're from?
Religious promoter: Um... Union City.
Passerby: Go the fuck home!

--Times Square

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Headline of the day

Catholic bishops: More exorcists needed

Especially if the exorcists can remove pedophilia.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Plat du jour

Brown house? I don't know.

From the Jumping the Gun Department

From Capital Tonight:
Andrew Cuomo responded to the Rev. Al Sharpton’s criticism of the lack of diversity on his transition committee by noting he has yet to name said committee.

Happy anniversary--to me!

Twelve years ago today I first stepped out into the world as Caprice. It's been the best 12 years of my life.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Animal headline of the day

Cat blamed for starting fire with toaster oven

Since so many of my headlines of the day involve animals, I'm starting a new category.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Headline of the day

Smoking chimp rescued in Lebanon, sent to Brazil

I wasn't aware that Brazil is a good place to go to stop smoking.

(Why do so many of my headlines of the day involve animals?)

Friday, November 05, 2010

Bad headline of the day

Jonathan Bing Beats Out Paul Niehaus in Close Race for East Midtown Assembly Seat

Bing got 65% of the vote! In Manhattan a Republican getting 34% is unusual, but that did not make the election "close."

Bing is my assembly member, BTW.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Monday, October 25, 2010

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Somali thugs active again

Pirates seize 2 ships off Kenya

I sure hope they can take these ships back quickly.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

End bullying and suicides

I am wearing purple today in memory for those who cannot, because they were bullied and tortured to the point that they thought there was no other choice but to take their own life.

What is Spirit Day?

The idea behind Spirit Day, first created by teenager Brittany McMillan earlier this month, is a simple one, not dissimilar to the idea of "Spirit Week" held in many high schools, and can be summed up in three words: Everyone Rally Together.

Spirit Day honors the teenagers who had taken their own lives in recent weeks. But just as importantly, it's also a way to show the hundreds of thousands of LGBT youth who face the same pressures and bullying, that there is a vast community of people who support them.

Purple symbolizes 'spirit' on the rainbow flag, a symbol for LGBT Pride that was created by Gilbert Baker in 1978.

As one of the event's Facebook pages says: "This event is not a seminar nor is it a rally. There is NO meeting place. All you have to do is wear purple."

Wearing purple on October 20 is a simple way to show the world that you stand by these courageous young people and a simple way to stand UP to the bullies. Remember those lives we've tragically lost, and show your solidarity with those who are still fighting. 'Go Purple' today!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

For those who have been waiting patiently for more TFLNs

(312): You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

(270): The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

(919): Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

(856): My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

(412): I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.

(850): I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?

(780): I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you

(970): She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

(513): walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

(978): Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

(845): What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

(817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

(845): no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.

(360): Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day

(708): You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....

(303): you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.

(541): You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

(202): I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic

Living with coyotes XVIII

Coyote Snatches Dog In Northern NJ

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Headline of the day

Man accused of castrating dog without permission

What's the big deal? Lots of dogs are castrated all the time, and I doubt any of them gave permission.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

TFLN time

(+66): A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

(202): just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems

(705): i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

(518): so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?

(416): I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations

(+61): She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

(608): He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.

(905): the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.

(303): I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

(508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

(303): Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

(215): The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.

(856): it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

(817): All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

(586): so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

(613): You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

(617): When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

(904): Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

(412): Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

(303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

U.S. wealth distribution--it's probably not what you think

Fact: The bottom 20% of the people of the U.S. have almost no wealth (0.1%). (Actually, the bottom 40% have almost no wealth (0.3%).)  The top 20% own 84%.)

Fact: Most people think the bottom 20% own 3 to 5% of the wealth.

Is it any wonder there is such outrage against government programs against poverty? People think poor people aren't really poor.

Source: http://www.good.is/post/americans-are-horribly-misinformed-about-who-has-money

Original paper: http://www.people.hbs.edu/mnorton/norton%20ariely%20in%20press.pdf

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Plat du jour

I guess spelling isn't one of her super-powers.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Headline of the day

Segway illustration
Segway Chief Dies in Segway Crash

Lots of TFLNs

(703): Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

(608): May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

(661): Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

(260): It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.

(724): I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

(310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

(646): So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

(908): you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog

(314): You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

(609): You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

(516): Found your pants in the mailbox
(646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
(516): I don't know but there's postage on them

(754): I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.

(205): Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.

(310): It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.

(517): found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

(850): I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

(508): I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.

(615): Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.

(610): I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

(908): Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.

(817): I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"

(919): Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

(406): Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

Friday, September 17, 2010

It's been over a week since I posted some TFLNs

(954): Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.

(281): His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled

(850): my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

(805): my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

(214): Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

(785): So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?

(718): it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

(450): I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

(613): I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.

(510): Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

(312): I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista

(417): He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...

(343): His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

(973): not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

(919): Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.

(815): Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams

(314): You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

(902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

(778): You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

(215): I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

Semi-random thoughts

  • The first thing one should do after getting a new laptop nowadays is to take a piece of opaque tape and cover the webcam. (Just about all laptops seem to have them built in now.) If you accidentally turn on the camera at the wrong time, or a hacker gets in, your actions could be viewed and recorded anywhere in the world. Don't trust an indicator light to tell you when it is in operation. If a hacker can get in, I'm sure they can turn off the light almost as easily as they can turn on the camera.
  • The cost of my health insurance is going up 15% for the coming year. :(
  • Burlesquer Nasty Canasta gave me a CD of Bhangra music, which contains the music she used for her Christmas number. I liked one of the other songs even more, Big Drum Small World by the Dhol Foundation. I started up a Pandora station with it, and it's really great. It's basically just instrumental, kind of Indian New Age.
  • Not that I've really done a study of it, but it's my impression that the "anti-incumbent wave" people keep talking about is much more prevalent among Republicans than Democrats--which stands to reason, as the Democrats control the federal government right now. Thus we've seen a number of Tea Party candidates eliminating Republican incumbents in the primaries. But I'm predicting that except in districts where there's a strong Republican majority, the Democrats will beat the Tea Partiers in November, keeping Congress in good hands.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Public service announcement

Estimated taxes are due today.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Question of the day

From the Associated Press:

A New Zealand air force Orion airplane was on standby to fly to the U.S. McMurdo Station science base on the north Antarctic coast to pick up the man, said Matt Vance, a spokesman for government agency Antarctica New Zealand.

Isn't the entire Antarctic coast to the north?

My last post on the mosque (maybe)

From the Metropolitan Diary column of the NY Times:
Dear Diary:

I was in a taxi, late for a doctor’s appointment, when the driver turned around and, with a serious gaze, asked if I was American.

After I told him I was, he asked if I was from New York. Again I replied in the affirmative.

“So tell me,” he asked, “what do you think of the mosque being built downtown?”

Eager to reveal that some New Yorkers believe in religious freedom and civil rights, I exclaimed, “Well, you know, it’s not just a mosque, it’s a whole community center as well, and I think it’s fine for them to build wherever they want.”

I waited for his approval, but he shook his head and said, “Well, I am a Muslim, and I think it is a very, very bad idea!”

Expecting a philosophical explanation, I asked him why.

Clearly agitated, he explained, as though it were obvious: “Because of the parking situation downtown! You can’t find parking anywhere near there!”

Stephanie Lazar
That taxi driver is a true New Yorker.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

It's 9/11, again

It's been four years since I blogged about the attack(s) on the World Trade Center, and my experiences in them. Up until now I thought my last post expressed everything I wanted to say on the subject. But recent events have changed that. First, there was the controversy over the "ground zero mosque." Then there was the announced, but subsequently "suspended," Koran-burning in Florida, which has gotten itself enmeshed in the "mosque" brouhaha.

As to the former, as many others have pointed out, the proposed Islamic community center is neither at "ground zero" (a term I hate), nor is it essentially a mosque. It's a couple blocks away and around the corner from the World Trade Center site--it certainly does not overlook it, as some critics have claimed. And, while it will contain rooms where people can pray (similar to hospital chapels, I think), religious observance is not its primary purpose. It's a community center.

Disregarding the facts, some outspoken family members of those killed in the attack have opposed it, calling it disrespectful to their loved ones. (Some family members do support its construction.) The right wing media have made it an issue, and many politicians, primarily but not exclusively Republicans, have come out against it.

But even if it were a mosque, I would have no objections to placing it there. The terrorists who destroyed the Trade Center hated the freedoms America stands for, including freedom of religion. It is not disrespectful to the people who died there to have a center dedicated to the exercise of a religion--even if it's the same general religion of the people who killed them. On the contrary, it is a monument to the committment of our nation to one of our fundamental freedoms, freedoms that the terrorists were willing to commit suicide to try to destroy. The Islamic cultural center shows the world that we truly believe in the right to freedom of religion.

However, some Americans don't really believe in it. Thus we have Koran-burnings. Started by the minister of a quite small church in Florida, the planned observance of 9/11 with a book-burning has exploded into a world-wide mess. At least one person in Afghanistan has died protesting against it. A U.S. general and President Obama have spoken out in opposition to it. It's not worth getting into all the contradictory statements of the people involved, but the minister at least at one point thought he had traded his cancellation of the Koran-burning for the relocation of the Islamic cultural center. As of this writing he is planning to meet with the imam behind the center's construction. As the minister has termed Islam "of the devil," I can't imagine what they would discuss.

Needless to say, I am opposed to the burning of the Koran, or any religion's holy books. It's not that people in America don't have the right to do such things--we have freedom of speech and expression here. But we have (at least I thought we had), enough respect for the right of people to have differing beliefs that we refrain from such actions.

It's disrespectful to burn religious books. It's not disrespectful to build religion-based community centers. Those are my thoughts on the ninth anniversary of the destruction of the World Trade Center.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

U.S. Marines retake ship from thugs

U.S. Forces Free Ship From Somali Pirates

I know you've been waiting for some more TFLNs

(817): He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

(740): So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

(785): Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.

(404): I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

(415): It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

(787): 1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

(845): I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....

(858): Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

(716): Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

(217): Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

(256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

(847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

(850): Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.

(817): I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

(641): Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.

(603): Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce

(513): My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going

(334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

Your tax cuts at work

Gail Collins on the Koran burning

When this sort of thing happens, it is important to remember that about 5 percent of our population is and always will be totally crazy.
Full column

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Yawn headline of the day

Tri-State Jews Mark Rosh Hashanah At Sunset

JFK on the separation of church and state

I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute--where no Catholic prelate would tell the President (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom to vote...
Sen. John F. Kennedy, 9/12/60(full text)

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Texts from Last Night (and all the nights since I went on vacation)

(206): No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE

(440): my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.

(416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

(714): the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

(760): Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

(301): i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

(508): Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

(919): It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.

(978): Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..

(630): I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

(202): Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

(631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

(937): Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

(901): You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

(732): I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

(540): For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

(412): seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

(608): The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.

(403): I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

(519): I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.

(251): Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.

(702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

(205): I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.

(412): My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night

(585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

(618): When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.

(630): Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.

(419): Why is your signature on my underwear?

Friday, September 03, 2010

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Another micro movie review

Eat Pray Love--Stupid. Nice scenery, though.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Micro movie review

Cairo Time--Don't waste your time.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Plat du jour--guest submission

Maybe a relative of ARMDLXRY. Both were found by Joanne.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Living with wild turkeys VII

When I tweeted this I said a flock of turkeys seemed to be staying at our inn. A friend of mine said the correct term is a "rafter" of turkeys. Well, she's a college professor, so she must be right.

This is a whole lot better than last year, when the inn had signs up warning us of bears lurking around.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I couldn't go on vacation without posting a few more TFLNs

(765): She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

(727): hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.

(603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

(336): Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!

(440): We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!

(416): Best. Handjob. Ever.
(905): I'm guessing Kelly is over?
(416): Nope. Home alone.

Away for vacation

Tomorrow This afternoon I'll be heading off to the Berkshires for a little vacation. (Can a retired person have a vacation? A vacation from what?) I don't know how much opportunity I'll have to blog, so this place might be even less active than usual for the next couple weeks.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Plat du jour

Why? Is the city in danger?

Sunday, August 15, 2010

More TFLNs!

(817): I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

(928): I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"

(630): everybody makes mistakes
(1-630): i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

(617): I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...

(219): I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

(208): Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.

(410): She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

(410): She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

(408): It's chlamydia! Thank God!

(859): Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.

(763): someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

(816): at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?

(336): I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.

(507): Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

(845): The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

(760): Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

(617): so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?

Not so nice, MoMA

I got a invitation, with the envelope addressed in a font that looked at first glance to be hand-written, from the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA), where I'm a member. I was invited to an evening reception for its upcoming Abstract Expressionist New York exhibition. Very nice.

Except it wasn't really so nice.

In smaller print at the bottom it said that in order to attend I had to make a "membership gift." A separate card indicated this had to be at least at the $300 level of membership.

That's a bit sneaky. Even if I wanted to contribute that much more, I find the invitation solicitation misleading and, frankly, a bit insulting. If you want to give a reward for donating more money, fine. But be upfront about it.

Sorry, MoMA. No additional money for you.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Happy anniversary..to me!

I just noticed that yesterday was the fifth anniversary of this blog. 1819 posts (including this one), and 77,187 visitors later, I'm still at it--though I seldom write the long posts I used to. I'm a very slow writer, and I no longer want to spend the hours that that kind of posting requires. So there is now very little about my life here. People who are interested in what I'm doing can follow me on Twitter.(I probably won't accept a Facebook friend request, however, unless I actually know you--I'm trying to decrease my time there also. Besides, 90% of what I post there is a duplicate of what I tweet.)

So, happy (belated) anniversary to my glob.

Semi-random thoughts

  • A friend reported that she didn't receive a resume that a headhunter had told her he was e-mailing to her. He tried again and it still didn't arrive. She reported this to her systems support. Eventually they explained that the e-mail had been blocked by the company's spam filter--the resume included the fact that the applicant had graduated cum laude.
  • I unfriended someone on Facebook because I got a recommendation for a page she liked: George W. Bush. I checked her profile to make sure it wasn't a fluke first, but she had a Carly Fiorina thing posted right there.
  • I am always surprised when one of those automatic toilets flush when I stand up.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

More TFLNs

(408): if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

(816): Absence makes the cock grow harder.

(407): we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her

(843): I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

(773): Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

(603): did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

(607): My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

(774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

(519): I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

Monday, August 09, 2010

Sunday, August 08, 2010

This week's best TFLNs

(718): Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

(317): she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.

(912): I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

(913): I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

(417): I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
(1-417): That's because you are an idiot.

(678): Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
(1-678): 630.

(703): The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

(908): I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag

(770): my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

(952): Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

(914): tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

(608): you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

(610): I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

(954): im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

(860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

(810): According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

(978): morning after pill = breakfast in bed

(214): Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Sunday, August 01, 2010

TFLN time

(845): Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

(562): cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

(773): How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

(850): my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

(731): who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

(303): I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed

(517): My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX

(609): It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

(917): about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

(703): The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

(401): Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

(785): Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.

(908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

(310): Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.

(352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
(352): Just realized these events may be related.

(337): There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

Headline of the day (if today were Wednesday)

Marriage Counselor Stabbed to Death By Her Husband

I love it when parents tell their kids the truth

Upper East Side girl reading book about knights: Mommy, what does our family crest look like?
Upper East Side mom: Poor people being crushed by a boot.

--Playground, E 72nd St

Overheard by: Dude under the shoe
via Overheard in New York, Jul 30, 2010

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

It seems like 3 good TFLNs a day is the trend now

(708): Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

(909): don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

(978): He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

Monday, July 26, 2010

I'll never have to go to a machine in the subway again

My new automatically-refilling Metrocard.

Every time it gets below $20 it is automatically refilled using my credit card.

Just three good TFLNs this time

(615): Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

(519): My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
(1-519): I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

(412): He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Plat du jour

I assume they were too late to get just UR2L8.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Semi-random thoughts

  • My wife and I got each other the same anniversary card. Yeah, we've been married a long time.
  • There was just an article in the NY Times about Facebook's handling of deceased account holders. A few hours after reading that a dead friend of mine popped up on the friends' list on my profile page.
  • I have found a way to keep two different Yahoo e-mail accounts open simultaneously.  You have to use different browsers. I downloaded Google Chrome and now I don't have to keep logging in and out to go between my female and male accounts.

End of an era

I have ended my subscription to Newsday. I think I started reading it when the Long Island-based newspaper created "New York Newsday" in 1985. Their advertising slogan was "Truth, Justice and the Comics." It tried to position itself between the (comic-less) New York Times and the city's tabloids, The Daily News and the Post. Popularly, New York Newsday was called "the tabloid in a tutu."

That worked fine for me. I got a paper that had good news coverage, excellent columnists (Jimmy Breslin, Jim Dwyer, Frank DeCaro, Liz Smith, Dear Abby and Ann Landers)--and the comics, which I did miss just reading the Times. (By then I refused to buy either the Post or the News to read their comics--they were both quite conservative politically.) It even was easy to read on the subway.

Unfortunately, it did not work with a lot of other people, and in the mid-90's they gave up on New York Newsday. They reverted to an expanded version of their old Queens edition. It had less coverage of the city itself, but it still was a good newspaper, and I continued my subscription.

Things went downhill from there, as it did for all newspapers. I think they had a small bureau in Washington, or at least one reporter, but that was dropped. The columnists left voluntarily or were dropped. The comics went from three pages to two, and the strips that remained were printed so small that some were very hard to read. In 2005 they shrank their New York City bureau, and their New York City news coverage, significantly.

I continued my subscription mostly out of inertia. I've been getting most of my news via the internet. In recent years about the only things I got from Newsday were the (tiny) comics, Broadway show reviews, an inferior advice column, and, a couple of  times a week, two pages of NYC entertainment news. I dropped Sunday delivery a while ago, because a third of the time there were sections missing--usually including the comics, all of which I could get on the internet.

Newsday has become a shadow of its former self, and I don't want to spend money for memories of what once was. Now I'll get all of my comics electronically. I will continue to read the NY Times business and sports sections (my wife gets the rest of the paper), and rely on the internet for the rest of my news. An era has passed.

Yes, it's time for more Texts From Last Night

(828): I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

(760): when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

(917): Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
(347): I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

(310): she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
(1-310): wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh

(555): Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

(480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
(774): Someone just got laid.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Keeping up with Texts From Last Night

(970): Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

(908): You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
(1-908): I'll google it

(617): I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker

(585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
(518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

(914): I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

(757): Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.