Two weeks of great Texts From Last Night

There are so many I divided them into categories.


DRINKING

(917): Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it

http://tfl.nu/sdds

(416): No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

http://tfl.nu/0i7a

(507): I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya

http://tfl.nu/oizi


SEX

(714): i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick

http://tfl.nu/4tuf

(714): She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

http://tfl.nu/k8wl

(435): Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

http://tfl.nu/b5vr

(513): You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

http://tfl.nu/utqj

(540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

http://tfl.nu/4fyt


SCHOOL

(810): The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

http://tfl.nu/bsvq

(336): I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

http://tfl.nu/g1bs

(616): So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???

http://tfl.nu/k6yj

(781): the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

http://tfl.nu/8mwn


MISC

(904): he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

http://tfl.nu/1mju

(337): Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

http://tfl.nu/whuj

(732): and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it

http://tfl.nu/ub7i