I'm overdue for some Texts From Last Night

(225): I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

http://tfl.nu/j7ur

(864): so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

http://tfl.nu/nvim

(819): FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.

http://tfl.nu/3wga

(515): On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

http://tfl.nu/mvhu

(503): Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.

http://tfl.nu/96cb

(260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

http://tfl.nu/i41h

(320): Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

http://tfl.nu/4ynh

(785): i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

http://tfl.nu/j8m9

(207): reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

http://tfl.nu/zdhw

(314): You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

http://tfl.nu/ejbb

(864): I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

http://tfl.nu/wo9k

(908): i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision

http://tfl.nu/741x