Sunday, August 01, 2010

TFLN time

(845): Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

(562): cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

(773): How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

(850): my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

(731): who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

(303): I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed

(517): My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX

(609): It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

(917): about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

(703): The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

(401): Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

(785): Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.

(908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

(310): Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.

(352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
(352): Just realized these events may be related.

(337): There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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