Friday, September 17, 2010

It's been over a week since I posted some TFLNs

(954): Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.

(281): His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled

(850): my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

(805): my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

(214): Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

(785): So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?

(718): it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

(450): I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

(613): I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.

(510): Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

(312): I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista

(417): He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...

(343): His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

(973): not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

(919): Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.

(815): Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams

(314): You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

(902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

(778): You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

(215): I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

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