Saturday, September 04, 2010

Texts from Last Night (and all the nights since I went on vacation)

(206): No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE

(440): my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.

(416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

(714): the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

(760): Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

(301): i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

(508): Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

(919): It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.

(978): Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..

(630): I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

(202): Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

(631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

(937): Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

(901): You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

(732): I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

(540): For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

(412): seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

(608): The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.

(403): I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

(519): I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.

(251): Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.

(702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

(205): I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.

(412): My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night

(585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

(618): When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.

(630): Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.

(419): Why is your signature on my underwear?

Friday, September 03, 2010