Monday, March 07, 2011

Two weeks of TFLNs this time

(703): the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

(915): You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs

(+44): We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

(301): we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

(401): We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.

(845): Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'

(253): We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?

(231): the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people

(207): I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

(215): There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

(315): found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.

(707): Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

(402): He wants to know how I lost my bra in his like to know too

(845): He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

(847): as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

(865): In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.

(504): I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.

(901): I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"

(215): he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

(949): We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

(630): He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

(484): scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

(513): I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration

(458): Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

(941): its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

(305): The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

(941): Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.

(919): Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.

(760): If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

(763): Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet

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