Sunday, October 23, 2011

Back to Texts From Last Night after a long, long time

(651): raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
(608): lets go back to having secrets in our friendship

(404): The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed

(530): Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
(530): That could use a little rephrasing

(978): I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..

(704): My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.

(781): One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?

(210): My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out

(509): walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

(231): Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.

(+61): i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?

(512): Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.

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