Back to Texts From Last Night after a long, long time

(651): raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
(608): lets go back to having secrets in our friendship http://tfl.nu/pq7s

(404): The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed http://tfl.nu/y06v

(530): Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
(530): That could use a little rephrasing http://tfl.nu/xfz9

(978): I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital.. http://tfl.nu/5pzt

(704): My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search. http://tfl.nu/gxvg

(781): One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach? http://tfl.nu/leuf

(210): My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out http://tfl.nu/di5z

(509): walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her. http://tfl.nu/knz9

(231): Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you. http://tfl.nu/6utw

(+61): i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that? http://tfl.nu/m9eq

(512): Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids. http://tfl.nu/hflo