Friday, December 02, 2011

And, before I go to bed, some TFLNs

(508): Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
(620): And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
(219): Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
(405): No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
(760): I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
(303): The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
(646): Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

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