Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Monday, January 24, 2011

Two weeks of TFLNs

(203): I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.

(619): So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

(732): his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.

(617): We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"

(952): pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.

(817): I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.

(330): the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.

(360): I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

(914): something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..

(484): i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong

(636): i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

(920): Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea

(704): It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

(202): just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

(807): at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

(931): On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!

(773): She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in

(479): When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

(717): so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...

(313): well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails

(973): searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy

(330): Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?

(352): Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation

(781): There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling this yours?

(859): there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context

(303): The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

(805): WHY are the edges of my bra charred???

(330): I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.

(321): I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

(605): woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.

(414): Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.

(540): I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.

(843): We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I ♥ NYC transit

Automated announcement: Bus operators are protected by New York state law. Assaulting a bus operator is a felony.
Guy sitting behind bus operator, loud: Hooray!
Bus operator: Scaring me is a misdemeanor.

From Overheard in New York

Number 4 for Wal-Mart

It's been a long time since I posted about the dangers of shopping at Wal-Mart, but here's another one:

Walmart shooting leaves 1 dead, 2 deputies wounded