(402): As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date http://tfl.nu/07k6
(443): He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever. http://tfl.nu/42ep
(601): When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub. http://tfl.nu/pgrs
(360): do we own a ladder
(206): We do not.
(360): then how am i on the roof http://tfl.nu/xqbq
(651): We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom. http://tfl.nu/dyyq
(419): I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck. http://tfl.nu/c5ir
(774): I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it. http://tfl.nu/ttfm
(503): Did I change midway through last night?
(206): Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking http://tfl.nu/rz21
(615): Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
(1-615): By a pack of ravenous dildos http://tfl.nu/hx21
(845): Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12 http://tfl.nu/01a6
(607): Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
(315): I get naked cuz your not there http://tfl.nu/p9qb
(914): Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon. http://tfl.nu/php8
(602): Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house? http://tfl.nu/arpl
(904): He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer. http://tfl.nu/iriu
(+44): Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower. http://tfl.nu/m2lh
(407): I'm pregnant
(1-407): The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number??? http://tfl.nu/ivb7