(717): I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
(215): It's a Thursday. http://tfl.nu/79xq
2 hours ago
Teen, looking at rack of sweater vests: Hey, look--I could turn into Rick Santorum!
Mother: Yeah, but then I'd have to disown you.
(410): My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end. http://tfl.nu/noz9
(316): He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over. http://tfl.nu/vzgx
(310): She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked. http://tfl.nu/yes9
(202): In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American. http://tfl.nu/gnds
(226): wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all. http://tfl.nu/mko0
(813): EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order? http://tfl.nu/uphg
(248): He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup. http://tfl.nu/dnmt
(614): This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and
sorry if this woke you up! http://tfl.nu/jjmt
(989): walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
(917): You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard http://tfl.nu/7qxy
(815): Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night. http://tfl.nu/jyfi
(303): Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?! http://tfl.nu/om37
(865): He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends. http://tfl.nu/ncfq
(610): i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards. http://tfl.nu/8v5s
(317): I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you." http://tfl.nu/oa2r
(603): they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out http://tfl.nu/559d
(512): Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis http://tfl.nu/fz62
(903): I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair... http://tfl.nu/9cft
(417): Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off? http://tfl.nu/54ro
(360): Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone
(253): you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker. http://tfl.nu/ov6f
(504): I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit. http://tfl.nu/0gcq
(951): I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them. http://tfl.nu/loif
(419): They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that. http://tfl.nu/gjrr
(+44): You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
(+48): Poland http://tfl.nu/96rz