Monday, April 09, 2012

Finally: TFLNs!

(732): Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
(301): sorry
(304): why?
(301): oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
(570): If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
(208): Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
(732): When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
(503): I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
(914): Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
(613): We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
(203): what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning?  whole diff kind of walk of shame.
(908): You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
(732): Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
(708): what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
(540): I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
(828): In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
(847): a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
(907): It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
(+44): A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
(631): he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
(808): At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
(614): I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
(1-614): Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
(231): I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
(419): I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
(860): I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
(916): I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
(440): Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...