Sunday, July 07, 2013

Two weeks of TFLNs

(360): A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.

(646): I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.

(804): the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.

(570): Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
(1-570): FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile

(423): Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...

(215): I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.

(240): You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)

(407): When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.


(416): Happy Birhtday!
(289): Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home

(614): I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!

(618): Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.

(570): If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
(1-570): As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.


(785): Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch

(612): I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.

(305): I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.

(703): Are you alive?
(1-703): I woke up under the pier.

(727): Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.

(212): Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato

(720): We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
(1-720): Mother of the Year

(978): But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.


(972): Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning.  This is real life.

(518): I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect

(337): How's the hangover?
(1-337): I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.

(713): I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.

(306): I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time


(405): No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
(405): I almost fell asleep reading that.
(405): I almost fell asleep fucking it.

(406): The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.

(850): so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!


(630): Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!

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