Sunday, July 12, 2015

Texts from last night

(817): Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me

(720): Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.

(201): So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid that weird?

Last night...

(863): I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned

(204): You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes

(470): you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.

(706): He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.

(337): She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.

(612): Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???

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