Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Texts from last night

Ashley Madison

(812): See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome. http://tfl.nu/sl3a

(202): Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is. http://tfl.nu/6az8

(432): Hooray!  My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
(334): I will chop off your penis http://tfl.nu/8rdx


(516): The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer. http://tfl.nu/4nep

(540): pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again. http://tfl.nu/tbp9

(651): He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator  http://tfl.nu/6o1b

(+61): For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex http://tfl.nu/5e78

What you did last night

(519): you made out with another girl for some wings http://tfl.nu/lvcd

(847): Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar http://tfl.nu/mfiq

(506): you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night. http://tfl.nu/xzfp

What I did last night

(603): Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it http://tfl.nu/evih

(210): My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan http://tfl.nu/p1s5

(732): We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores. http://tfl.nu/umaz

(563): I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard. http://tfl.nu/kgi1

What happened last night?

(218): Why was I lying under a truck last night? http://tfl.nu/sv51

(910): Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night http://tfl.nu/j6oh

(919): So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
(919): Both questions will answer each other. http://tfl.nu/9fys

And last, but not least

(406): Because you touch yourself at night.
(701): ...What time of day am I supposed to do it? http://tfl.nu/h0zu

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