Monday, January 11, 2016

Texts from last night

(704): First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.

(716): He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.

(306): do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?

(+44): You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.

(206): You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.

(540): I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.

(406): I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not

(267): For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations

(618): learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.

(920): So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.

(940): Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?

(832): just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
(1-832): you suck at sexting

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