Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Lots of Texts From Last Night

For starters

(603): Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall

(516): Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.


(207): is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?

(814): Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?

(907): Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..

Plan B

(308): He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.

(585): I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.

(206): Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b


(520): My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.

(502): My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.

(315): Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.

Last night I...

(631): Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.

(616): i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia

(289): I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.

(775): I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed

Last night you...

(207): You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...

(608): Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.


(407): for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning

(647): oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.

(813): It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life.  Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!

(248): I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum

(253): the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug

(207): I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.

(716): He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.

(703):  I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney.  Who does that?

And finally

(434): Worst way to find out I have a half sister

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