Texts from last night

(704): First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.

(716): He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.

(306): do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?

(+44): You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.

(206): You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.

(540): I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.

(406): I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not

(267): For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations

(618): learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.

(920): So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.

(940): Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?

(832): just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
(1-832): you suck at sexting

Texts from last night

(586): Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.

(630): The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.

(310): Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.

(715): Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?

(773): Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
(517): Who is this?

(508): i woke up in a bed of pop tarts

(306): Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment

(214): You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.

(708): I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store

Texts from last night

Texts from last night has changed its format. There is no longer a URL for each text.

What I did last night

(630): I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"

(509): I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.

(510): apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.

What you did last night

(224): We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.

(215): I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"

(515): There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard

(913): You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us

Sex

(407): Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!

(612): We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us

(407): Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?

(248): My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..

(937): Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?

(510): I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.

No Sex

(419): Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.

Miscellaneous

(973): So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.

Texts from Last Night

(630): Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed. http://tfl.nu/zq9m

Halloween, continued

(978): Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you http://tfl.nu/9iwc

(803): I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird http://tfl.nu/j1op

Tinder

(815): My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!? http://tfl.nu/x6r7

(425): I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates. http://tfl.nu/11s2

Walk of shame

(360): Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid. http://tfl.nu/ony4

What you did last night

(713): Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
(1-713): That explains the nerd bow & arrow... http://tfl.nu/zef7

(863): You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back http://tfl.nu/r23n

Texts from Last Night

Halloween

(513): I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me. http://tfl.nu/1ljx

(908): Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top. http://tfl.nu/d9os

(865): We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader. http://tfl.nu/d4vq

Not Halloween

(813): The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie. http://tfl.nu/rp4t

(863): Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it. http://tfl.nu/weki

(778): Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
(1-778): You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed http://tfl.nu/go57

(937): That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives. http://tfl.nu/n6c3

(250): I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately. http://tfl.nu/zqjx

(585): I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER http://tfl.nu/hw9x

Lots of Texts From Last Night

For starters

(603): Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall http://tfl.nu/wp9b

(516): Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again. http://tfl.nu/69nn

Questions

(207): is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing? http://tfl.nu/iyy6

(814): Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line? http://tfl.nu/8b31

(907): Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend.. http://tfl.nu/iszm

Plan B

(308): He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious. http://tfl.nu/e63k

(585): I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority. http://tfl.nu/yg9j

(206): Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b http://tfl.nu/y3qk

Tinder

(520): My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest. http://tfl.nu/on57

(502): My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word. http://tfl.nu/1okt

(315): Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad. http://tfl.nu/fu61

Last night I...

(631): Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet. http://tfl.nu/yvh6

(616): i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia http://tfl.nu/4qiu

(289): I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night. http://tfl.nu/doi4

(775): I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed http://tfl.nu/6o84

Last night you...

(207): You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case... http://tfl.nu/2ch6

(608): Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop. http://tfl.nu/kr3l

Uncategorized

(407): for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning http://tfl.nu/fcai

(647): oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since. http://tfl.nu/6t09

(813): It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life.  Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him! http://tfl.nu/y3ko

(248): I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum http://tfl.nu/ah2o

(253): the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug http://tfl.nu/2jc8

(207): I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick. http://tfl.nu/zq68

(716): He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that. http://tfl.nu/hk7h

(703):  I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney.  Who does that? http://tfl.nu/21wg

And finally

(434): Worst way to find out I have a half sister http://tfl.nu/ntqn

From Texts From Last Night

(419): Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops http://tfl.nu/gosu

(801): Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me. http://tfl.nu/uglm

(832): Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them. http://tfl.nu/x6j3

(512): He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole http://tfl.nu/x7h1

(608): Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole. http://tfl.nu/qrfy

(703): I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor. http://tfl.nu/hrkf

(919): I came home braless and wearing a tail.... http://tfl.nu/c52h

(417): Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall http://tfl.nu/s2qy

(206): Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs... http://tfl.nu/99gc

(703): I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING? http://tfl.nu/cxjr

(610): I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism? http://tfl.nu/qax9

(303): how did you set a fucking salad on fire???????? http://tfl.nu/te2j

Texts from last night

Ashley Madison

(812): See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome. http://tfl.nu/sl3a

(202): Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is. http://tfl.nu/6az8

(432): Hooray!  My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
(334): I will chop off your penis http://tfl.nu/8rdx

Miscellaneous

(516): The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer. http://tfl.nu/4nep

(540): pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again. http://tfl.nu/tbp9

(651): He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator  http://tfl.nu/6o1b

(+61): For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex http://tfl.nu/5e78

What you did last night

(519): you made out with another girl for some wings http://tfl.nu/lvcd

(847): Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar http://tfl.nu/mfiq

(506): you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night. http://tfl.nu/xzfp

What I did last night

(603): Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it http://tfl.nu/evih

(210): My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan http://tfl.nu/p1s5

(732): We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores. http://tfl.nu/umaz

(563): I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard. http://tfl.nu/kgi1

What happened last night?

(218): Why was I lying under a truck last night? http://tfl.nu/sv51

(910): Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night http://tfl.nu/j6oh

(919): So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
(919): Both questions will answer each other. http://tfl.nu/9fys

And last, but not least

(406): Because you touch yourself at night.
(701): ...What time of day am I supposed to do it? http://tfl.nu/h0zu

Texts from last night

(817): Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me http://tfl.nu/vehz

(720): Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing. http://tfl.nu/ydo1

(201): So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird? http://tfl.nu/c7nq

Last night...

(863): I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned http://tfl.nu/nwd4

(204): You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes http://tfl.nu/1623

(470): you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs. http://tfl.nu/zbrg

(706): He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left. http://tfl.nu/fgjf

(337): She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower. http://tfl.nu/xurr

(612): Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me??? http://tfl.nu/7z0t

Texts from last night

(630): Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today http://tfl.nu/cse0

(813): Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour http://tfl.nu/fu54

(503): how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob? http://tfl.nu/571v

(562): I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened? http://tfl.nu/zj7u

(504): Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower. http://tfl.nu/5itm

Texts from last night

(620): I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going? http://tfl.nu/0dn7

(615): The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person http://tfl.nu/64c8

(407): He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me. http://tfl.nu/a7jm

(540): Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys. http://tfl.nu/72bo

(337): Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too." http://tfl.nu/wi1y

(513): where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet. http://tfl.nu/hb26

Texts from last night

(504): I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment. http://tfl.nu/hun6

Fathers' Day

(518): What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids? http://tfl.nu/elim

(717): Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful. http://tfl.nu/ntpu

Texts from last night

(630): Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid. http://tfl.nu/7ofe

(731): After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep. http://tfl.nu/u5lu

(+61): ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR http://tfl.nu/lv16

Texts from last night

(847): Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me. http://tfl.nu/r12f

(409): In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister. http://tfl.nu/qzew

Texts from last night

(318): Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that. http://tfl.nu/2447

(+44): I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now? http://tfl.nu/egr3

(406): I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life. http://tfl.nu/r5a6

(203): my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere. http://tfl.nu/8egs

(727): He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What? http://tfl.nu/g0pt

(612): You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time. http://tfl.nu/jtia

(610): Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night? http://tfl.nu/mq9l

(914): How's everyone else's ass tattoo today? http://tfl.nu/vkhm

(240): It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller http://tfl.nu/ja4l

(614): You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME" http://tfl.nu/qi5s

(706): I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds http://tfl.nu/6tnd

(806): You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on http://tfl.nu/6vm9

(402): Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am? http://tfl.nu/yif1

(937): Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time. http://tfl.nu/d2x4

(330): If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger. http://tfl.nu/6uzx

(224): We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done" http://tfl.nu/fx0o

(902): Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........ http://tfl.nu/te7x

(727): I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room? http://tfl.nu/ehy8

Texts from last night--it's been a long time

Shakespeare

(713): Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink. http://tfl.nu/3gau

(505): Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING. http://tfl.nu/7nsl

You were so drunk...

(212): You tried paying your tab with the coaster http://tfl.nu/mvrj

(302): You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt. http://tfl.nu/6dux

Walk of shame

(636): Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work http://tfl.nu/847y

(603): walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang.... http://tfl.nu/pp82

Random

(413): did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick? http://tfl.nu/ipzm

(585): I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun http://tfl.nu/ilba

(270): Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit http://tfl.nu/12d1

(814): I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment http://tfl.nu/ixzz

(641): The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out http://tfl.nu/o5e6

(740): All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless. http://tfl.nu/acno

(614): So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired. http://tfl.nu/8ind

Only a few good Texts From Last Night this time

(720): Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand http://tfl.nu/lbum

(801): At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost http://tfl.nu/j4xa

(647): The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks. http://tfl.nu/cwoi

Some more Texts from Last Night

(518): Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys. http://tfl.nu/ykpm

(908): I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work. http://tfl.nu/aq0t

(304): JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK http://tfl.nu/yt7k

(615): I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask? http://tfl.nu/0fir

(409): I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots. http://tfl.nu/9ntb

(517): Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out http://tfl.nu/rbge

(609): The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here. http://tfl.nu/fl13

The return of Texts From Last Night!

It's been a long time since I posted any of these. Here are some of my favorites from the last few days.

(618): We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that. http://tfl.nu/jp22

(724): Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating. http://tfl.nu/l251

(303): Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability" http://tfl.nu/w8b2

(904): That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again.  Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk. http://tfl.nu/4nud


LAST NIGHT

(214):  Woke up in bushes  at UT didn't know I was Austin last night http://tfl.nu/5aj8

(248): I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night http://tfl.nu/poxt

(212): Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants. http://tfl.nu/1uem

(519): You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear http://tfl.nu/17oq

(615): I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
(1-615): Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from... http://tfl.nu/z1jn

(305): Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said  "eat me" on it? http://tfl.nu/7lec


UNDERPANTS

(919): I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock http://tfl.nu/ok2j

(686): I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain? http://tfl.nu/11qh

(727): why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter? http://tfl.nu/8q6n

(909): I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire http://tfl.nu/2hlt


DICK PICS

(419): Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know. http://tfl.nu/qfoz

(902): Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena. http://tfl.nu/gxq5


AND FINALLY

(801): Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think http://tfl.nu/vzmp

(309): Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me http://tfl.nu/hnwf

A handful of OK TFLNs from the last couple days

(617): I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day http://tfl.nu/dw3u

(905): Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball??? http://tfl.nu/u0wc

(306): the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public. http://tfl.nu/n2ze

(801): Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later. http://tfl.nu/hc8l