Texts from last night

(318): Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that. http://tfl.nu/2447

(+44): I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now? http://tfl.nu/egr3

(406): I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life. http://tfl.nu/r5a6

(203): my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere. http://tfl.nu/8egs

(727): He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What? http://tfl.nu/g0pt

(612): You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time. http://tfl.nu/jtia

(610): Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night? http://tfl.nu/mq9l

(914): How's everyone else's ass tattoo today? http://tfl.nu/vkhm

(240): It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller http://tfl.nu/ja4l

(614): You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME" http://tfl.nu/qi5s

(706): I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds http://tfl.nu/6tnd

(806): You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on http://tfl.nu/6vm9

(402): Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am? http://tfl.nu/yif1

(937): Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time. http://tfl.nu/d2x4

(330): If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger. http://tfl.nu/6uzx

(224): We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done" http://tfl.nu/fx0o

(902): Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........ http://tfl.nu/te7x

(727): I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room? http://tfl.nu/ehy8