Five days of TFLNs

(814): So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?

http://tfl.nu/yeac

(401): I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.

http://tfl.nu/97ap

(817): He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

http://tfl.nu/7y9k

(517): I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

http://tfl.nu/94v6

(587): She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra

http://tfl.nu/6lbp

(513): Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?

http://tfl.nu/gja3

(719): im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata

http://tfl.nu/j3vj

(913): Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.

http://tfl.nu/e9ea

(518): We left an ass print on the piano.

http://tfl.nu/qaoo

(206): In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.

http://tfl.nu/g8w5

(217): This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.

http://tfl.nu/zki5

(845): I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

http://tfl.nu/0jn9

(940): I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.

http://tfl.nu/xysv

(940): Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.

http://tfl.nu/1zvq

(870): So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

http://tfl.nu/tmep

(651): i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.

http://tfl.nu/l8w8

(902): I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.

http://tfl.nu/q9vl

(406): i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
(1-406): haha i know

http://tfl.nu/vo1w

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

http://tfl.nu/3nu3

(714): we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

http://tfl.nu/qhid

Fail

Yawn headline of the day (if today were Wednesday)

Tri-State Area Christians Mark Ash Wednesday

Animal headline of the day

Woman goes to Va. court with tiny monkey in bra

Somalia attempts some law and order

Attempt to free Danish family from Somalia fails

I'm glad someone in Somalia is willing to at least try to subdue the thugs.

The latest scams--be careful out there

I've gotten a couple of attempted scams the last couple of days. (I'm not counting the usual e-mails telling me I've won foreign lotteries, etc.) Yesterday I got three text messages saying "HSBC Alert" "Call XXXXXXXXXX." I was immediately suspicious because

1. The message was marked "Unverified-Sender," which to me means my phone company has indications their phone number was forged.
2. I've never given my cellphone number to any bank.
3. I've never had any accounts at HSBC.

I suspect if I called them they'd want me to "verify" my card number and PIN.

Then today, I got a chat message on facebook telling me I was tagged in a video showing me dancing, with a link to some facebook page. The sender was someone I barely know, and I very much doubted he would send such a thing. The link was probably to someplace where I could pick up a computer virus.

My college dorm is nationally ranked--for parties

Sellery named a top-10 party dorm in national survey

I lived in Sellery my freshman year. I'm so proud!

(In case you were wondering, even in my day Sellery was a "co-ed" dorm. I use quotes, because back then, "co-ed" meant women and men were housed in two separate 10 story towers connected on the first floor and basement.)

Two weeks of TFLNs this time

LAST NIGHT

(703): the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

http://tfl.nu/m52j

(915): You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs

http://tfl.nu/qhlh

(+44): We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

http://tfl.nu/pfxy

(301): we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

http://tfl.nu/vb8d

(401): We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.

http://tfl.nu/48jv

(845): Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'

http://tfl.nu/zqo1

(253): We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?

http://tfl.nu/8b98

(231): the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people

http://tfl.nu/9os5

(207): I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

http://tfl.nu/vji8

(215): There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

http://tfl.nu/jtzo

(315): found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.

http://tfl.nu/yphr

(707): Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

http://tfl.nu/kt4h

(402): He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too

http://tfl.nu/2c7f


SEX

(845): He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

http://tfl.nu/r9iy

(847): as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

http://tfl.nu/nasi

(865): In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.

http://tfl.nu/9uwy

(504): I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.

http://tfl.nu/5z11

(901): I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"

http://tfl.nu/soyj

(215): he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

http://tfl.nu/9ic8

(949): We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

http://tfl.nu/b4pt

(630): He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

http://tfl.nu/2f5f

(484): scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

http://tfl.nu/oxez

(513): I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration

http://tfl.nu/y2rq


MISCELLANEOUS

(458): Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

http://tfl.nu/m88d

(941): its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

http://tfl.nu/5tqm

(305): The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

http://tfl.nu/qxjf

(941): Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.

http://tfl.nu/wjn1

(919): Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.

http://tfl.nu/xoz4

(760): If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

http://tfl.nu/69r6

(763): Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet

http://tfl.nu/ppas

Somali thugs thwarted again

US commandos capture 4 suspected pirates in raid

Micro play review

Good People is good theater.

Headline of the day (if the day were Friday)

Ex-nanny jailed for spiking sex-shop mogul's soup