From the Locking the Barn Door After the Horse Is Gone Department

Gates wants military interviews with press cleared

Plat du jour

Yes, it's a diesel-powered Volkswagen.

The worst writing of the year

This year's winner of the Bulwer-Lytton worst writing award:

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss - a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil.

My personal favorite:

The Zinfandel poured pinkly from the bottle, like a stream of urine seven hours after eating a bowl of borscht.

I'm overdue for some Texts From Last Night

(225): I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

http://tfl.nu/j7ur

(864): so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

http://tfl.nu/nvim

(819): FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.

http://tfl.nu/3wga

(515): On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

http://tfl.nu/mvhu

(503): Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.

http://tfl.nu/96cb

(260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

http://tfl.nu/i41h

(320): Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

http://tfl.nu/4ynh

(785): i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

http://tfl.nu/j8m9

(207): reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

http://tfl.nu/zdhw

(314): You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

http://tfl.nu/ejbb

(864): I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

http://tfl.nu/wo9k

(908): i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision

http://tfl.nu/741x

I ♥ NYC

From Overheard in New York:

Rushed New Yorker shoving through tour group: Excuse me, excuse me...
Tour guide: Don't worry, folks, most New Yorkers aren't this rude.
Rushed New Yorker: Screw you! Yes we are, that's what everybody loves about us.

--Bryant Park

Living with coyotes XVII

Girl, 6, Scratched, Bitten by Coyotes in NY Suburb

Plat du jour--guest submission

I thought the city was already sold. I guess it's back on the market.

Thanks, Joanne.