(360): A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
http://tfl.nu/u51s
(646): I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
http://tfl.nu/dft1
(804): the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
http://tfl.nu/qdeq
(570): Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
(1-570): FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
http://tfl.nu/2z1a
(423): Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
http://tfl.nu/apqw
(215): I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
http://tfl.nu/kido
(240): You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
http://tfl.nu/pdep
(407): When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
http://tfl.nu/dw2v
PARENTS
(416): Happy Birhtday!
(289): Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
http://tfl.nu/oimr
(614): I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
http://tfl.nu/68by
(618): Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
http://tfl.nu/mt2r
(570): If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
(1-570): As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
http://tfl.nu/hlm9
MORNING
(785): Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
http://tfl.nu/29tb
(612): I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
http://tfl.nu/ns4w
(305): I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
http://tfl.nu/aqrx
(703): Are you alive?
(1-703): I woke up under the pier.
http://tfl.nu/dfp7
(727): Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
http://tfl.nu/1b4x
(212): Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
http://tfl.nu/ss5k
(720): We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
(1-720): Mother of the Year
http://tfl.nu/ysx6
(978): But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
http://tfl.nu/s054
HANGOVERS
(972): Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
http://tfl.nu/3lzm
(518): I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
http://tfl.nu/1a0b
(337): How's the hangover?
(1-337): I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
http://tfl.nu/4fpy
(713): I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
http://tfl.nu/74mv
(306): I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
http://tfl.nu/lht5
SEX
(405): No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
(405): I almost fell asleep reading that.
(405): I almost fell asleep fucking it.
http://tfl.nu/v47a
(406): The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
http://tfl.nu/qp54
(850): so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
http://tfl.nu/677z
AND FINALLY
(630): Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
http://tfl.nu/dwug
