Two weeks of TFLNs

(360): A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy. http://tfl.nu/u51s

(646): I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone. http://tfl.nu/dft1

(804): the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots. http://tfl.nu/qdeq

(570): Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
(1-570): FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile http://tfl.nu/2z1a

(423): Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple... http://tfl.nu/apqw

(215): I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames. http://tfl.nu/kido

(240): You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right) http://tfl.nu/pdep

(407): When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night. http://tfl.nu/dw2v


PARENTS

(416): Happy Birhtday!
(289): Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home http://tfl.nu/oimr

(614): I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit! http://tfl.nu/68by

(618): Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents. http://tfl.nu/mt2r

(570): If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
(1-570): As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no. http://tfl.nu/hlm9


MORNING

(785): Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch http://tfl.nu/29tb

(612): I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises. http://tfl.nu/ns4w

(305): I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night. http://tfl.nu/aqrx

(703): Are you alive?
(1-703): I woke up under the pier. http://tfl.nu/dfp7

(727): Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning. http://tfl.nu/1b4x

(212): Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato http://tfl.nu/ss5k

(720): We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
(1-720): Mother of the Year http://tfl.nu/ysx6

(978): But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano. http://tfl.nu/s054


HANGOVERS

(972): Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning.  This is real life. http://tfl.nu/3lzm

(518): I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect http://tfl.nu/1a0b

(337): How's the hangover?
(1-337): I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should. http://tfl.nu/4fpy

(713): I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover. http://tfl.nu/74mv

(306): I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time http://tfl.nu/lht5


SEX

(405): No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
(405): I almost fell asleep reading that.
(405): I almost fell asleep fucking it. http://tfl.nu/v47a

(406): The golf course isn't that incognito for sex. http://tfl.nu/qp54

(850): so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u! http://tfl.nu/677z


AND FINALLY

(630): Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!! http://tfl.nu/dwug