Monday, March 12, 2012

You didn't really think I gave up on TFLNs, did you? Part 1

(623): Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
(703): I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
(503): It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
(941): I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
(330): I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
(216): this is the second day in a row.
(330): Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
(843): I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
(619): Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
(603): Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants,
a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
(603): Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
(847): Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on
erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
(561): I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to
(719): the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
(214): So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite.
Bravo, sir. Bravo.
(410): I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
(641): Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in
front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
(610): the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as
a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
(215): did she buy you pizza?
(757): I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.

No comments: