This is the worst! Bravo!

The winner of the annual Bulwer-Lytton literary parody prize has been announced. It is awarded for the worst opening sentence of an imaginary novel. This year's first place entry:

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.