Keeping up with Texts From Last Night

(970): Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

http://tfl.nu/9pof

(908): You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
(1-908): I'll google it

http://tfl.nu/bsan

(617): I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker

http://tfl.nu/yzaq

(585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
(518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

http://tfl.nu/nk88

(914): I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

http://tfl.nu/s43y

(757): Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

http://tfl.nu/pqxc