The rest of the week's best TFLNs

Sex(?)

(407): I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl http://tfl.nu/1s7i

(937): They let me close the tennis center alone.  It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls.  Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list. http://tfl.nu/o7iw

(201): Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper. http://tfl.nu/iewi

(+61): I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane. http://tfl.nu/dlou

(909): I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats. http://tfl.nu/jzu3

Animals

(720): Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it. http://tfl.nu/6vuz

(774): We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot. http://tfl.nu/pm9n

Last night

(303): accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones... http://tfl.nu/822e

(956): Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone? http://tfl.nu/ptfa

(214): you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night. http://tfl.nu/mxyx

(203): Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night? http://tfl.nu/3u1b

Pregnancy: No, yes, maybe

(309): he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel http://tfl.nu/08pr

(587): Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant? http://tfl.nu/fsev

(714): You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test.  Just saying http://tfl.nu/xa50

(303): They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us http://tfl.nu/8tzs

(203): I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant. http://tfl.nu/7i15

(941): I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant. http://tfl.nu/bzfq

Other

(319): Let's drink?
(1-319): Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast. http://tfl.nu/5wza

(727): Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea http://tfl.nu/mom5

(314): No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
(1-314): You're the worst gay friend ever. http://tfl.nu/4trc

(423): It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling. http://tfl.nu/7h2p

(714): She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out.  Now what? http://tfl.nu/cv8q

(262): the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here? http://tfl.nu/0zqj

(310): Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow? http://tfl.nu/9403

And my favorite for the week

(202): Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that. http://tfl.nu/hdvk