After an absence of over a year, it's the return of Texts from Last Night!

With new formatting!

(818): Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream. http://tfl.nu/75x9

(818): I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt. http://tfl.nu/o8z5

(828): Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date. http://tfl.nu/q3v1

(541): I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask? http://tfl.nu/caku

(832): Two dicks, one me.
(832): Yoga's definitely paying off. http://tfl.nu/ljaq

(306): I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks http://tfl.nu/ndt4

(902): I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime http://tfl.nu/b6xy

(306): how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
(1-306): you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you... http://tfl.nu/x6zk

(651): I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk. http://tfl.nu/9vy1

(330): You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter. http://tfl.nu/exdp

(937): Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character. http://tfl.nu/p33a

(703): YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
(202): Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me... http://tfl.nu/al91

(202): Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head. http://tfl.nu/ntvr

(205): There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did http://tfl.nu/00cd

(202): Whore are you.
(301): Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
(202): Yes. http://tfl.nu/xx42

(608): We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes http://tfl.nu/pi7l

(936): If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home. http://tfl.nu/6ayk