Two days of TFLNs

(602): I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one.  She is taking me to see her dog now. http://tfl.nu/tbsd

(+55): Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept. http://tfl.nu/o11x

(347): Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray. http://tfl.nu/hbqi

(907): She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music http://tfl.nu/408g

(404): Watch the news tonight.  They interviewed me about a fire.  I was high as balls so it should be entertaining. http://tfl.nu/2wxu

(403): I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick. http://tfl.nu/pw1i

(607): I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
(315): Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch. http://tfl.nu/yk91

(864): I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek http://tfl.nu/7b27

(215): hungover waitressing a bar association event.  im being judged by actual judges. http://tfl.nu/xi1h