A week of TFLNs

(404): my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class. http://tfl.nu/g08a

(270): I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to http://tfl.nu/v0lt

(559): No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support. http://tfl.nu/kxfx

(712): You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you? http://tfl.nu/pa4x

(519): Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight. http://tfl.nu/qnvl

(760): But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
(530): I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast http://tfl.nu/lbbf

(617): I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed! http://tfl.nu/vwkc

(940): Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book. http://tfl.nu/boxy

(315): So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
(315): They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair. http://tfl.nu/om27

(+44): I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs. http://tfl.nu/5p7v

(501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie. http://tfl.nu/eccp

(304): The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke. http://tfl.nu/dnme

(248): Update:  it wasn't just our driver.  This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent." http://tfl.nu/u4zv

(434): Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave... http://tfl.nu/1k20

(647): Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
(416): I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle. http://tfl.nu/mzl9

(+61): On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety http://tfl.nu/7rit

(715): An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all. http://tfl.nu/7eme

(973): I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian. http://tfl.nu/8wfu

(586): I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print. http://tfl.nu/m0e5

(641): You might not want to come home tonight.  Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid. http://tfl.nu/bnv7

(860): Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms. http://tfl.nu/d3j8