Two weeks of TFLNs this time

LAST NIGHT

(703): the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

http://tfl.nu/m52j

(915): You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs

http://tfl.nu/qhlh

(+44): We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

http://tfl.nu/pfxy

(301): we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

http://tfl.nu/vb8d

(401): We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.

http://tfl.nu/48jv

(845): Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'

http://tfl.nu/zqo1

(253): We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?

http://tfl.nu/8b98

(231): the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people

http://tfl.nu/9os5

(207): I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

http://tfl.nu/vji8

(215): There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

http://tfl.nu/jtzo

(315): found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.

http://tfl.nu/yphr

(707): Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

http://tfl.nu/kt4h

(402): He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too

http://tfl.nu/2c7f


SEX

(845): He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

http://tfl.nu/r9iy

(847): as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

http://tfl.nu/nasi

(865): In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.

http://tfl.nu/9uwy

(504): I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.

http://tfl.nu/5z11

(901): I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"

http://tfl.nu/soyj

(215): he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

http://tfl.nu/9ic8

(949): We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

http://tfl.nu/b4pt

(630): He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

http://tfl.nu/2f5f

(484): scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

http://tfl.nu/oxez

(513): I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration

http://tfl.nu/y2rq


MISCELLANEOUS

(458): Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

http://tfl.nu/m88d

(941): its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

http://tfl.nu/5tqm

(305): The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

http://tfl.nu/qxjf

(941): Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.

http://tfl.nu/wjn1

(919): Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.

http://tfl.nu/xoz4

(760): If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

http://tfl.nu/69r6

(763): Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet

http://tfl.nu/ppas

Somali thugs thwarted again

US commandos capture 4 suspected pirates in raid

Micro play review

Good People is good theater.

Headline of the day (if the day were Friday)

Ex-nanny jailed for spiking sex-shop mogul's soup

My picture is in the New York Times!

Well, at least on its website.

www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2011/03/03/arts/20110304-reading-2.html

I'm down at the lower left corner.

Somali thugs unsuccessful in two attacks

Armed guards open fire as ship attacked off Yemen

Semi-random thoughts

• I renewed my subscription to the NY Philharmonic for next season (and added some extra concerts). They will be playing a larger than normal number of my favorite pieces. This will be my 38th year as a subscriber.
• I wonder how much less outrage there would be over Wall Street "bonuses" if they were just called "discretionary incentive compensation."
• I just dropped the Patricia Field blog from my blogroll, due to her stupid defense of designer John Galliano, who has been accused of making racist and anti-Semitic statements to fellow patrons of a Paris café. He has been fired by Christian Dior. And you won't find me shopping at her store, either.  
  

Somali thugs grab two more--children taken

Danish family's sailboat hijacked in Indian Ocean

UPDATE: Pirate: Captive Danes will die if rescue attempted

Living with coyotes XIX

Little Pet Dog Attacked, Killed By Coyote In Fairfield

Coyote Sightings On The Rise In Connecticut

South Korea indicts Somali thugs

South Korea indicts 5 suspected Somali pirates

Updating this.

UPDATE 5/23/11: Somali pirates go on trial in South Korea

Jane Corwin needs to actually read the Constitution

Jane Corwin, the recently-designated Republican candidate to succeed disgraced Rep. Chris Lee (R-26) from western NY, issued a statement criticizing the Obama administration's decision about the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). Attorney-General Holder issued a memo saying that part of DOMA is unconstitutional, and that his office would no longer defend against lawsuits that challenge that section.

Corwin said

“The President of the United States swore an oath to uphold the laws of our great country and as a member of the Executive Branch he needs to enforce those laws, including the Defense of Marriage Act. It is the Supreme Court’s job to consider the constitutionality of the law and the President should not usurp the authority of the Supreme Court.

However, the Presidential oath does not say anything about upholding the law. As specified in Article II Section 1 of the Constitution, the oath is

I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.

That is exactly what President Obama and his administration are doing--defending the Constitution. Corwin is also wrong that he is usurping the authority of the Supreme Court. The Constitution does not give the Supreme Court the job of considering the constitutionality of laws. It is the job of all three branches of government. (In fact, the question of whether the courts had this power at all was not decided until the landmark case of Marbury vs. Madison in 1803.)

Ms. Corwin, I suggest you brush up on your constitutional law before making any more statements about the jobs of the various branches.

Somali thugs execute the American hostages

I said before that this situation was bad.

4 American hostages killed by pirates off Somalia
I hope the surviving thugs are brought to the U.S. and tried for murder. These criminal gangs should know that taking Americans, and some other countries' citizens, will only bring them death or long prison terms far, far from their homeland. If they kill the hostages at sea, they will certainly never see Somalia again.

UPDATE: 14 indicted in pirate attack on American yacht

UPDATE 5/20/11: Somali pleads guilty to piracy, hostage taking

UPDATE 5/23/11: Pirates killed U.S. couples after warning: court papers

UPDATE 5/24/11: Two more Somali pirates plead guilty in U.S. court

Four weeks of TFLNs, part 3: The rest

VALENTINES DAY

(919): So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

http://tfl.nu/it54

(309): They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend

http://tfl.nu/32kc

(907): I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.

http://tfl.nu/ckwf

(269): Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

http://tfl.nu/d22v

MISCELLANEOUS

(514): We had to coat check the pizza.

http://tfl.nu/aa4o

(630): im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.

http://tfl.nu/uwyc

(518): plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

http://tfl.nu/e2rh

(662): The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl

http://tfl.nu/s3lv

(319): My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

http://tfl.nu/nin0

(804): I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

http://tfl.nu/tuy1

(907): She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

http://tfl.nu/lil1

(905): I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings

http://tfl.nu/jatg

(443): The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.

http://tfl.nu/d0ly

(630): He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.

http://tfl.nu/mxqh

(732): Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.

http://tfl.nu/qv1x

Four weeks of TFLNs, part 2: Sex (or not)

(978): I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.

http://tfl.nu/izah

(409): Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

http://tfl.nu/r0oo

(310): I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.

http://tfl.nu/laj1

(808): she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous

http://tfl.nu/8uf4

(215): the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.

http://tfl.nu/j53c

(850): You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.

http://tfl.nu/m7x4

(816): My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.

http://tfl.nu/3uql

(707): then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"

http://tfl.nu/54yc

(410): Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.

http://tfl.nu/xvnv

(913): she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

http://tfl.nu/ey2n

(513): I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

http://tfl.nu/geoy

(831): So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

http://tfl.nu/tpz4

WALKS OF SHAME

(630): don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.

http://tfl.nu/vso9

(412): Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days

http://tfl.nu/6wcx

Four weeks of TFLNs, part 1: Last night

WHAT YOU DID

(702): You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy

http://tfl.nu/41n6

(404): You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.

http://tfl.nu/0upx

(573): I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

http://tfl.nu/1qa0

WHAT HE DID

(555): After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.

http://tfl.nu/pn7x

I WOKE UP, AND...

(701): Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?

http://tfl.nu/2zni

(305): woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...

http://tfl.nu/ev8f

(858): Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

http://tfl.nu/efr3

(641): My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.

http://tfl.nu/bmvl

(541): Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

http://tfl.nu/zy8e

WHAT HAPPENED?

(352): ... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.

http://tfl.nu/mdap

(484): I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.

http://tfl.nu/dr6q

(319): Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.

http://tfl.nu/ok73

(647): Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?

http://tfl.nu/shhx

(850): why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?

http://tfl.nu/judd

(304): will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?

http://tfl.nu/g3xm

(+44): Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?

http://tfl.nu/iu9j

(204): Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

http://tfl.nu/3z7i

SPEAKING OF SNOW SCULPTURE

(828): Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

http://tfl.nu/fz5v

I'M SORRY

(513): Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?

http://tfl.nu/e1cd

(785): sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time

http://tfl.nu/vv7s

HOW BAD WAS IT?

(757): The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.

http://tfl.nu/n6wn

There was nothing like this in my trial advocacy course in law school

Judge: So I'll adjourn this trial to April 12, 2012.

Lawyer: They say the world may end in 2012.

Judge: Then I recommend you settle the case.

--Civil Court, Sutphin Boulevard, Jamaica

From Overheard in New York

Living with wild turkeys IX

Staten Island Residents Getting ‘Turkey Survey’

Somali thug gets his due

I missed this one a few days ago.

Manhattan Judge Sentences Somali Pirate To More Than 33 Years

Plat du jour--guest submission

From Joanne again.

Somali thugs grab Americans--This is not good

Pirates hijack 4 Americans; US mulls responses

I hope they can rescue them somehow, but I'm not too hopeful.

UPDATE: Race organizers name Americans taken by pirates

FURTHER UPDATE: Pirates: Warship shadowing hijacked American yacht

A turtle could have brought it faster

It took the post office 4 days to deliver a letter from my doctor to me. He's about 30 blocks away.

Semi-random thoughts

• Some people just won't accept an apology.
• The sidetrip to Jordan segment of my wife's trip to Israel next month has been cancelled.
• My doctor prescribed a nasal spray to help my irritated nasal passages. I sent the prescription to my insurance company's mail order department, along with a request to refill two of my other prescriptions. Over the weekend I got an e-mail and a phone message telling me my insurance plan didn't cover it. So I called my doctor's office to ask them for a prescription that could be filled locally. Sometimes my insurance company will cover things locally that are not covered by mail order.  I was told they were mailing the prescription right out. That was yesterday. Today I got a package from the mail order operation. The nasal spray was included with the two refills. I guess they do cover it.
• UPDATE: It turns out the messages I got from the mail order pharmacy were not wrong. Along with my other prescriptions I mistakenly sent them one for something I know is not covered, and always get somewhere else. I assumed the messages were about the item I was ordering for the first time.

The best depiction of the transgender umbrella I've seen

Source
HT to Our Lady J

Plat du jour--guest submission

Another one from Joanne. I wonder if it's any relation to her previous one, or the one she found in 2009.

They should be more concerned about pederasty

Vatican increasingly concerned about piracy

Thugs win one, lose one

Somali pirates hijack ship with 23 crew members

Plat du jour--guest submission

Joanne keeps finding them. Has the driver's computer gone nuts? Is it a comment on political correctness? A personal corporation named "Crazy?"

Somali thugs to face death penalty

Malaysia is Asia's 1st to charge Somali pirates

Previously: this

Wisconsin upsets No. 1 Ohio State--again.

Last October the undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes, ranked number one in the nation, traveled to Madison to play the Wisconsin Badgers. They went home no longer undefeated, and were no longer number one the next day.

This week the undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes, ranked number one in the nation, traveled to Madison to play the Wisconsin Badgers. The sport was men's basketball this time, not football like last fall, but the game had the same result--Ohio State is going home with a loss. The score was 71 to 67. We'll have to wait until Monday to see what happens to their ranking.

With Wisconsin down by 15 early in the second half, Jordan Taylor came alive with 21 points in the last 13 minutes, draining 3 point shots almost at will. Mike Brusewitz grabbed a critical late offensive rebound, and his three pointer with 28 seconds left cemented the game for the Badgers.

At the end the crowd stormed the floor, and hoisted their heroes to their shoulders.

It's been a great year to be a Wisconsin alum (and an Ohio native).

Happy Darwin Day!

Celebrate the birthday of the discoverer of evolution, Charles Darwin. (He was born the exact same day as Abraham Lincoln!)

I ♥ NYC

From Overheard in New York:

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, here is today's trivia question: in the movie The Wizard of Oz, what was the name of Dorothy's uncle? If you know the answer please tell the conductor. It's driving him nuts.

--F Train

And this one:

Flamboyant gay man to couple pushing bulldog in stroller: Oh my god! Your dog ate your baby!

--Chelsea

The thugs do win some

Somali pirates capture supertanker, $150M of oil

Animal headline of the day

Unwelcome bear on Boulder hospital property chased off with country music

It would chase me off.

Yay India!

Indian navy captures 28 pirates from Thai vessel

Animal headline of the day

Russia's parasailing donkey dies of heart trouble

It's only 1:00am, but this is the quote of the day

Being that I'm wearing my SpongeBob undies, I'm now referring to my vagina as the pineapple under the sea...

@StormyLeatherNY on Twitter

Turnabout is fair play

Assange's Swedish sex crimes file is leaked online

As I keep saying, "pirates" is too nice a name for them

They're thugs.

SKorean crew recount beatings by Somali pirates

Sounds reasonable to me

1-armed man wants Maine to allow him a switchblade

UPDATE: Maine legalizing switchblades for one-armed people

Happy Groundhog Day!

Today people look to rodents for indications of an early end to winter. I doubt it's going to happen this year.

Wikipedia lists over 20 groundhogs making predictions last year, and there was (as usual), a division of opinion. Apparently their prognostication record over the years is not so good. So I'm going to take any forecasts for the next few weeks with a non-governmental recommended amount of salt.

I may eat some pork sausage to celebrate, however.

My performer friends sometimes ask the weirdest questions

Any advice on how 2 make a cake splatter more & further when you hit it with a mallet? It needs 2 fly EVERYWHERE!

Stormy Leather asked this on Twitter. She got three serious replies.

EDIT: She got a lot more responses on Facebook.

I ♥ NYC

From the NY Times' Metropolitan Diary column:

While waiting for the next shuttle from Times Square to Grand Central, I notice an ad for an international bank. The billboard shows a Joe Six-Pack type on his recliner in front of the television, can of beer in hand, but has an ecological theme. The caption reads, “Recycling one can saves enough energy to power a television for three hours.”

Directly below the caption, four graffiti writers in succession have weighed in, the first chiding:
“1) ‘One CAN save’
“Or
“2) ‘One SAVES.’
“Never ‘One can saves.’ ”

Beneath which, the second explains:
“They’re talking about an actual can.”

Beneath which, a third comments:
“I love a city where graffiti’s about grammar.”

Beneath which, the fourth adds simply:
“Word.”

Plats du jour--guest submissions

Since Joanne sent me these right together, I assume they're related.

More bad news for the Somali thugs

5 Somalis brought to SKorea to be tried for piracy

And there's also this, not that it's that important except to the two men:

NATO says Danish warship rescues 2 from pirates

It must be a very slow news day in Indonesia

Blind orangutan gives birth to twins in Indonesia

Rare tiger gives birth to 3 cubs in Indonesia

Sometimes I go to museums

Two weeks of TFLNs

(203): I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.

http://tfl.nu/7di2

(619): So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

http://tfl.nu/rosc

(732): his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.

http://tfl.nu/ib1o

(617): We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"

http://tfl.nu/sgk0

(952): pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.

http://tfl.nu/mkyj

(817): I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.

http://tfl.nu/lubl

(330): the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.

http://tfl.nu/2arl

(360): I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

http://tfl.nu/kpg0

(914): something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..

http://tfl.nu/wloj

(484): i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong

http://tfl.nu/1mot

(636): i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

http://tfl.nu/jil2

(920): Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea

http://tfl.nu/0m14

(704): It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

http://tfl.nu/rp9b

(202): just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

http://tfl.nu/w6qp

(807): at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

http://tfl.nu/odip

(931): On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!

http://tfl.nu/2usg

(773): She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in

http://tfl.nu/bue7

(479): When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

http://tfl.nu/83jv

(717): so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...

http://tfl.nu/6y77

(313): well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails

http://tfl.nu/6yhu

(973): searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy

http://tfl.nu/5ech

(330): Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?

http://tfl.nu/ae8u

(352): Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation

http://tfl.nu/era3

(781): There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?

http://tfl.nu/3112

(859): there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context

http://tfl.nu/uw18

(303): The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

http://tfl.nu/m273

(805): WHY are the edges of my bra charred???

http://tfl.nu/czt9

(330): I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.

http://tfl.nu/hw5t

(321): I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

http://tfl.nu/jrqc

(605): woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.

http://tfl.nu/fadr

(414): Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.

http://tfl.nu/js8y

(540): I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.

http://tfl.nu/t9kz

(843): We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again

http://tfl.nu/w71h

I ♥ NYC transit

Automated announcement: Bus operators are protected by New York state law. Assaulting a bus operator is a felony.
Guy sitting behind bus operator, loud: Hooray!
Bus operator: Scaring me is a misdemeanor.

--Brooklyn

From Overheard in New York

Number 4 for Wal-Mart

It's been a long time since I posted about the dangers of shopping at Wal-Mart, but here's another one:

Walmart shooting leaves 1 dead, 2 deputies wounded

And yay Malaysia! (Europe prefers to play it safe)

(though I'm not at all happy with some of Malaysia's religious policies)

EU force says piracy raids endanger hostages

Yay South Korea!

South Korean raid frees hostage crew from pirates

Semi-random thoughts

• I discovered I can set the level of sensitivity of my pop-up blocker. Now it's on High. Much better.
• In previous years the 1098 tax form showing the mortgage interest I paid was sent with my January bill, and I failed to notice it a couple times. This year they sent it in a separate letter. Bravo, CitiMortgage.
• At the moment I'm writing this the recent visitors map shows hits on my blog from three different cities in Africa. This is a first.
• I am now officially old. I just got my first Social Security check, er, direct deposit.

Plat du jour--guest submission

Sixteen grandchildren is a lot for a grandmother.

Found by Joanne, as usual.

Public service announcement

Estimated taxes are due tomorrow.

Micro movie review

Black Swan: A beautiful mess

Headline of the day

Evangelist claims bird deaths could be connected to repeal of military's gay ban

This was the headline used in the Gay Politics Report newsletter.

I suppose this qualifies as an animal headline.

Internet privacy infringement alert: Spokeo

Some wise person said years ago that there's no such thing as privacy on the internet. He was right, of course, but there are things you can do to decrease the ease of discovery of details about your life.

A friend of mine sent out a warning about a data aggregator, Spokeo, that makes it far too easy for anyone to learn all kinds of things about you that I think should not be in the public domain. She also gives instructions for removing yourself from their directory. I'll just quote her e-mail.

There is a website called Spokeo which purports to be a new "white pages" phone book, but it is much more. It provides nearly everyone's private information to anyone who accesses the site -- your name, your age, your family members' names and ages, where you live, what your income level is, what the value of your home is, and (for a small fee) much, much more personal information about you, your family, and your background.

Fortunately, there is a remedy:

Go to www.spokeo.com and find your listing (by name and, if necessary, location). Copy the URL of your listing, then click on the "Privacy" link on the lower right of the page. Then paste the URL in the appropriate field; send it to your e-mail address; type in the Captcha code; check your inbox and then follow the instructions on the confirmation e-mail to remove your listing.

Thanks, Jill.

I've done it, and I suggest you do it, too.

(I do hope the estimate of the value they had for my apartment is accurate, though.)

This week's TFLNs

(631): Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?

http://tfl.nu/xi2s

(330): Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

http://tfl.nu/yv9g

(518): my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks

http://tfl.nu/8135

(314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

http://tfl.nu/a15y

(414): The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.

http://tfl.nu/497c

(910): He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

http://tfl.nu/wbkv

(714): All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.

http://tfl.nu/eanx

(443): does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?

http://tfl.nu/0adv

(778): I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.

http://tfl.nu/jn8b

(252): I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.

http://tfl.nu/kwke

(570): So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash

http://tfl.nu/zmae

(816): why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011

http://tfl.nu/szze

(918): Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

http://tfl.nu/fkjm

(512): Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

http://tfl.nu/3ijz

(949): Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?

http://tfl.nu/e2vj

Plat du jour--guest submission

Another one found by Joanne

Thugs lose one, win one

Crew uses safe room to foil Somali pirate attack

Another 10 days of TFLNs

Now I'm really caught up.

(646): Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

http://tfl.nu/kahl

(208): Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

http://tfl.nu/3mqp

(901): I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.

http://tfl.nu/166i

(540): The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
(703): So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...

http://tfl.nu/ildr

(+44): i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

http://tfl.nu/kqc9

(905): Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

http://tfl.nu/b27t

(214): I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

http://tfl.nu/9wgv

(763): After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended

http://tfl.nu/x97c

(920): She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

http://tfl.nu/r6m3

(302): This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.

http://tfl.nu/kdws

(210): Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

http://tfl.nu/qwdm

(817): I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .

http://tfl.nu/sz0c

(604): You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people

http://tfl.nu/m3p8

(646): just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.

http://tfl.nu/48r0

(304): You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

http://tfl.nu/adeo

(319): Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.

http://tfl.nu/ktvf

(204): You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

http://tfl.nu/a92s

(913): You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl

http://tfl.nu/bt6t

(651): That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

http://tfl.nu/pnvl

(859): How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?

http://tfl.nu/dl3d

(619): surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.

http://tfl.nu/u5eo

(352): Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

http://tfl.nu/bc2r

Plat du jour

The peanut ones are my favorite kind.

Catching up on the TFLNs, part 7 (and last)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Micro movie review

The Illusionist: Sad, little story by Jacques Tati. Hard to follow, since there's no dialogue. Marvelous animation.

Catching up on the TFLNs, part 6

LGBT

(336): They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

http://tfl.nu/wrv2

(978): i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

http://tfl.nu/qg5x

(818): At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.

http://tfl.nu/iwbw

DRINKING

(702): she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.

http://tfl.nu/b0kq

(214): So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

http://tfl.nu/y0zl

(727): My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

http://tfl.nu/gjqc

(706): My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday

http://tfl.nu/gbim

(262): some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night

http://tfl.nu/wjmk

(727): Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs

http://tfl.nu/d5ya

LGBT and DRINKING

(314): I drank myself into bisexuality again.

http://tfl.nu/eg45

Semi-random thoughts

• I find it absolutely amazing how frequently websites' default choices are not what I would choose. Facebook does this constantly, Myspace (I still look at it occasionally) and Citibank's website are pretty good (or rather, bad) at it also.
• Wisconsin had its chances to win the Rose Bowl, but came up a little short. Still, it was a good game to watch.
• I have finished the evening with a beer when I went out the last couple times. It goes down nice and smooth, yet I haven't found I need to run to the bathroom before I go back to CDI to change.

Catching up on the TFLNs, part 5

BDSM

(616): He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
(1-616): Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!

http://tfl.nu/0fvx

(530): Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.

http://tfl.nu/8sey

(812): Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...

http://tfl.nu/q2aq

(508): He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?

http://tfl.nu/6st9

(903): Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.

http://tfl.nu/yv47

(647): I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask

http://tfl.nu/g6ag

(519): What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

http://tfl.nu/srza

HALLOWEEN

(901): My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

http://tfl.nu/r2s3

THE MORNING AFTER

(937): Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?

http://tfl.nu/r1tf

(859): Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.

http://tfl.nu/gzj7

(913): The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.

http://tfl.nu/odda

(847): I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face

http://tfl.nu/ydcz

To all the glob-readers: Happy New Year!

And Happy New Decade! (for those who know there was no Year 0)

Catching up on the TFLNs, part 4

SEX

(413): she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

http://tfl.nu/r8ko

(518): I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!

http://tfl.nu/03oq

(480): A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.

http://tfl.nu/wob5

(517): I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

http://tfl.nu/myki

(508): i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate

http://tfl.nu/vubl

(846): he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.

http://tfl.nu/15lw

(502): How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast

http://tfl.nu/g6rv

(814): Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

http://tfl.nu/xg11

(617): mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.

http://tfl.nu/p0bd

(519): Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

http://tfl.nu/zfcd

(817): he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.

http://tfl.nu/jo0i

(206): She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

http://tfl.nu/y8c3

(860): i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.

http://tfl.nu/uzjb

(315): Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

http://tfl.nu/7a74

(402): I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

http://tfl.nu/1b9c

(720): I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists

http://tfl.nu/iudi

(907): HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!

http://tfl.nu/krsv

Snow 1, Shovel 0

Catching up on the TFLNs, part 3

WALKS OF SHAME

(850): it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday

http://tfl.nu/fl8q

(530): Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.

http://tfl.nu/c8em

(706): What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

http://tfl.nu/pbev

(240): just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five

http://tfl.nu/swbm

(727): Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.

http://tfl.nu/rvne

(716): My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.

http://tfl.nu/wnz4

(734): Walk of Shame today included voting.

http://tfl.nu/glwh

(541): New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.

http://tfl.nu/x43e

(814): Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

http://tfl.nu/615b

Semi-random thoughts

• SmartTix's new(?) print-at-home e-ticket feature does not seem to work when you order tickets for more than one show at a time. It worked fine when I was ordering a ticket for only one show.
• For some reason margaritas just don't agree with my corset. I don't have any problems with vodka or gin drinks, but margaritas just sort of sit there, going down very, very, slowly.  
• Warning to all commercial tweeters: I did not join Twitter to see ads. If you reply to a tweet of mine with an ad, I will report you for spam.

Catching up on the TFLNs, part 2

WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?

(360): tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse

http://tfl.nu/pqsg

(+49): The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

http://tfl.nu/pvwt

(214): I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

http://tfl.nu/qcvq

(514): I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels

http://tfl.nu/u0pv

(+44): Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night

http://tfl.nu/2ujl

(540): Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

http://tfl.nu/z7nz

(315): I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.

http://tfl.nu/7gi6

MEDICAL EMERGENCIES

(443): Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

http://tfl.nu/iqvs

(936): the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

http://tfl.nu/8dlf

(303): Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

http://tfl.nu/n8k4

(605): Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.

http://tfl.nu/t8vg

(416): Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

http://tfl.nu/mdg4

Micro movie review

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1: More of the same, but no more fun and games at Hogwarts for Harry. It's all pretty serious now, even if it's pretty clear where everything is heading. I'd sure like to have Hermione's purse.

Catching up on the TFLNs, part 1

It's been over two months since I posted any Texts From Last Night. There are a large number of good ones, so I'm going to break the posts up, sort of by subject.

WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT

(425): You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

http://tfl.nu/o5dz

(650): You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...

http://tfl.nu/m3m8

(250): you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

http://tfl.nu/bzic

(818): Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

http://tfl.nu/xjl4

(215): If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.

http://tfl.nu/hl9i

(845): You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

http://tfl.nu/r8rw

(715): I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

http://tfl.nu/tfhs

(202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

http://tfl.nu/e7cu

(864): and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.

http://tfl.nu/9hr6

(415): You kept trying to hail an ambulance

http://tfl.nu/adc4

(512): I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

http://tfl.nu/cojk

Micro movie review

The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest: Very nice, but lacking the suspense of the first two. Don't bother if you haven't seen them.

Yawn headline of the day

Pilgrims, clergy come to Bethlehem for Christmas

Festivus greetings!

To all those who observe Festivus, have a happy one.

If you'd like to sing a Festivus song, see my previous post.

Another one for the thugs

Somali pirates hijack ship using guns, grenades

Plat du jour--guest submission

Dn that.

Another one found by Joanne.

Micro movie review

The King's Speech: You'll enjoy it royally.

I'll give him an "A" for creativity.

Inmate seeking kosher meals cites Festivus belief

Semi-random thoughts

• I've finished my last mandatory continuing legal education class for the biennium! Now I can renew my registration and be a lawyer for another 2 years. And I even have an extra hour of CLE that I can carry over to the next biennium.
• When I set up my account at the Office of Court Administration, so I could renew my registration as a lawyer online, I had to enter the sum of the digits of my social security number. That's a new one. One of my friends commented that they seem to be into numerology at OCA.
• My new strategy for not eating between meals: I wear my corset nice and tight.
• I once posted that I'd never have to refill my Metrocard in the subway again. I was wrong. Last night I lost my automatically refilling EasyPay card. I reported it missing, and the MTA person said it would be 10 to 15 business days before my new one arrives. Only a monopoly could get away with such poor customer service.
• L'Oreal discontinued my favorite lipstick. But I was able to find 7 tubes online. Assuming they all arrive safely, that should keep me nice and colorful for quite some time.

Headline of the day

Baby Jesus Removed From S.I. Ferry Terminal

Plat du jour--guest submission

Quite apropos in this weather.

Another one from Joanne.

I really think this is true for a good number of voters

Source

Every once in a while Dilbert comes up with a good one

Source

Yes, I'm still posting animal headlines

Cowboy on horseback lassoes runaway reindeer

Plat du jour--guest submission

Found by Joanne.

Somali thugs win one

Somali pirates hijack US-operated ship, crew of 23

Rant of the day

My space heater has two settings, "Low" and "High." They should be marked "Useless" and "Incinerate."

[Correction] It wasn't Wal-Mart. But still don't shop there.

HT to @Sarahgoat on Twitter. Original source from  @jamiepinkham

Plat du jour

Not to be confused with BIFFY.

Somali thugs lose another one

US Navy: Merchant sailors foil pirate attack

Semi-random thoughts

• The eight word Thanksgiving greeting my stockbroker sent me was followed by 283 words of fine print legalese disclaimers.
• I was actually rooting for Boise State to beat Nevada. I'd have loved to see the Wisconsin offense steamroll over them in the Rose Bowl.
• One of these days I will catch up on everything, and post more often. The obstacle today was all the time I spent fixing my wife's computer. It looks like her user profile got deleted somehow. When nothing I tried restored it, I ended up creating a new user for her, but it's not the same. And it was a big hassle to do it, because there was only the one profile on the computer, and I had a great deal of difficulty getting into safe mode.

Another classy flash mob

First there was this.

HT to @bunnywunny on Twitter.

And as I've also said before, I love it when parents tell their kids the truth

From Overheard in New York:

Father: I don't even want to know how many calories this burger has.
Young daughter: What's a calorie?
Father: A calorie is a unit of flavor.

--Five Guys Burgers, Brooklyn

Or as an old friend of mine is fond of saying,

Calories are nature's way of making things taste good.

I've said it many times before, I ♥ NYC

From Overheard in New York:

Religious promoter: Jesus is the eternal savior! Only He can save you from the doom that you see in the movies that destroy New York!
Passerby: May I ask where you're from?
Religious promoter: Um... Union City.
Passerby: Go the fuck home!

--Times Square

Living with wild turkeys VIII

Wild Turkeys Invade, Take Over Part Of Staten Island

Plat du jour