From the Jumping the Gun Department

From Capital Tonight:

Andrew Cuomo responded to the Rev. Al Sharpton’s criticism of the lack of diversity on his transition committee by noting he has yet to name said committee.

Happy anniversary--to me!

Twelve years ago today I first stepped out into the world as Caprice. It's been the best 12 years of my life.

Animal headline of the day

Cat blamed for starting fire with toaster oven

Since so many of my headlines of the day involve animals, I'm starting a new category.

Headline of the day

Smoking chimp rescued in Lebanon, sent to Brazil

I wasn't aware that Brazil is a good place to go to stop smoking.

(Why do so many of my headlines of the day involve animals?)

Bad headline of the day

Jonathan Bing Beats Out Paul Niehaus in Close Race for East Midtown Assembly Seat

Bing got 65% of the vote! In Manhattan a Republican getting 34% is unusual, but that did not make the election "close."

Bing is my assembly member, BTW.

Headline of the day

New Jersey School Fire Blamed On Squirrel

This sounds suspiciously like "My dog ate my homework."

This is great, but it doesn't help Spain's pickpocket problem

Spain may upend name game in gender equality push

See this and this about my pickpocket experiences there.

Plat du jour--guest submission

Another one found by Joanne

Somali thugs thwarted this time

Pirates abandon ship after crew hides in safe room

Headline of the day

Ga. couple find escaped buffalo in swimming pool

You don't see an obituary for an octopus every day

Paul, the WCup predicting octopus, dies at 2 1/2

Come to think of it, I don't remember ever seeing an obituary for an octopus before this.

Plat du jour--guest submission

Found by Joanne

Somali thugs active again

Pirates seize 2 ships off Kenya

I sure hope they can take these ships back quickly.

Most crazy phenomena don't work--but some do



-from xkcd

End bullying and suicides

I am wearing purple today in memory for those who cannot, because they were bullied and tortured to the point that they thought there was no other choice but to take their own life.




From GLAAD:

What is Spirit Day?

The idea behind Spirit Day, first created by teenager Brittany McMillan earlier this month, is a simple one, not dissimilar to the idea of "Spirit Week" held in many high schools, and can be summed up in three words: Everyone Rally Together.

Spirit Day honors the teenagers who had taken their own lives in recent weeks. But just as importantly, it's also a way to show the hundreds of thousands of LGBT youth who face the same pressures and bullying, that there is a vast community of people who support them.

Purple symbolizes 'spirit' on the rainbow flag, a symbol for LGBT Pride that was created by Gilbert Baker in 1978.

As one of the event's Facebook pages says: "This event is not a seminar nor is it a rally. There is NO meeting place. All you have to do is wear purple."

Wearing purple on October 20 is a simple way to show the world that you stand by these courageous young people and a simple way to stand UP to the bullies. Remember those lives we've tragically lost, and show your solidarity with those who are still fighting. 'Go Purple' today!

For those who have been waiting patiently for more TFLNs

(312): You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

http://tfl.nu/bowu

(270): The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

http://tfl.nu/ihik

(919): Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

http://tfl.nu/6akp

(856): My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

http://tfl.nu/h7hc

(412): I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.

http://tfl.nu/hmq3

(850): I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?

http://tfl.nu/y2i2

(780): I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you

http://tfl.nu/csm9

(970): She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

http://tfl.nu/yazk

(513): walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

http://tfl.nu/e35n

(978): Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

http://tfl.nu/x49g

(845): What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

http://tfl.nu/y6wb

(817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

http://tfl.nu/17gc

(845): no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.

http://tfl.nu/fs9l

(360): Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day

http://tfl.nu/ru8t

(708): You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....

http://tfl.nu/9a89

(303): you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.

http://tfl.nu/8hzl

(541): You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

http://tfl.nu/2m2y

(202): I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic

http://tfl.nu/pd64

Living with coyotes XVIII

Coyote Snatches Dog In Northern NJ

Even a college newspaper should know the correct use of "alleged"

Man admits allegedly killing girlfriend

Happy Triple Day!

It's 10/10/10.

Headline of the day

Man accused of castrating dog without permission

What's the big deal? Lots of dogs are castrated all the time, and I doubt any of them gave permission.

TFLN time

(+66): A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

http://tfl.nu/u013

(202): just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems

http://tfl.nu/fumh

(705): i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

http://tfl.nu/t3vj

(518): so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?

http://tfl.nu/nqhg

(416): I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations

http://tfl.nu/ujgo

(+61): She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

http://tfl.nu/7mx1

(608): He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.

http://tfl.nu/cs4d

(905): the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.

http://tfl.nu/6bmb

(303): I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

http://tfl.nu/5j68

(508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

http://tfl.nu/1j0f

(303): Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

http://tfl.nu/dbx0

(215): The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.

http://tfl.nu/fp0t

(856): it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

http://tfl.nu/5cy5

(817): All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

http://tfl.nu/qcnv

(586): so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

http://tfl.nu/q1ic

(613): You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

http://tfl.nu/l60l

(617): When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

http://tfl.nu/g7ai

(904): Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

http://tfl.nu/0tan

(412): Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

http://tfl.nu/o2j7

(303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

http://tfl.nu/gvxq

U.S. wealth distribution--it's probably not what you think

Fact: The bottom 20% of the people of the U.S. have almost no wealth (0.1%). (Actually, the bottom 40% have almost no wealth (0.3%).)  The top 20% own 84%.)

Fact: Most people think the bottom 20% own 3 to 5% of the wealth.

Is it any wonder there is such outrage against government programs against poverty? People think poor people aren't really poor.

Source: http://www.good.is/post/americans-are-horribly-misinformed-about-who-has-money

Original paper: http://www.people.hbs.edu/mnorton/norton%20ariely%20in%20press.pdf

Plat du jour

I guess spelling isn't one of her super-powers.

Joey Ramone hits new heights

NYC forced to move oft-stolen Joey Ramone sign

Headline of the day

Segway illustration

Segway Chief Dies in Segway Crash

Lots of TFLNs

(703): Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

http://tfl.nu/9le9

(608): May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

http://tfl.nu/2att

(661): Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

http://tfl.nu/553h

(260): It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.

http://tfl.nu/yz88

(724): I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

http://tfl.nu/korz

(310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

http://tfl.nu/umg8

(646): So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

http://tfl.nu/jc5g

(908): you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog

http://tfl.nu/njtd

(314): You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

http://tfl.nu/a1pv

(609): You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

http://tfl.nu/1rx3

(516): Found your pants in the mailbox
(646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
(516): I don't know but there's postage on them

http://tfl.nu/6yt8

(754): I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.

http://tfl.nu/pib9

(205): Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.

http://tfl.nu/h65h

(310): It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.

http://tfl.nu/9xay

(517): found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

http://tfl.nu/l6f0

(850): I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

http://tfl.nu/8aml

(508): I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.

http://tfl.nu/gqi2

(615): Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.

http://tfl.nu/5pdk

(610): I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

http://tfl.nu/w8rn

(908): Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.

http://tfl.nu/ncmc

(817): I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"

http://tfl.nu/bikn

(919): Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

http://tfl.nu/djhd

(406): Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

http://tfl.nu/9556

Living with bears XLIII, or Headline of the day(Take your pick)

Montana: Woman Wards Bear off With Well-Aimed Zucchini

Ahoy! It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html

It's been over a week since I posted some TFLNs

(954): Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.

http://tfl.nu/re05

(281): His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled

http://tfl.nu/gplx

(850): my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

http://tfl.nu/974x

(805): my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

http://tfl.nu/gbnx

(214): Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

http://tfl.nu/e7z7

(785): So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?

http://tfl.nu/npo8

(718): it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

http://tfl.nu/b87c

(450): I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

http://tfl.nu/01gr

(613): I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.

http://tfl.nu/g6vr

(510): Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

http://tfl.nu/2xfe

(312): I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista

http://tfl.nu/d26q

(417): He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...

http://tfl.nu/cdml

(343): His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

http://tfl.nu/gnt2

(973): not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

http://tfl.nu/e11q

(919): Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.

http://tfl.nu/xclk

(815): Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams

http://tfl.nu/1l19

(314): You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

http://tfl.nu/nbdz

(902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

http://tfl.nu/e2jp

(778): You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

http://tfl.nu/gf74

(215): I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

http://tfl.nu/v175

Semi-random thoughts

• The first thing one should do after getting a new laptop nowadays is to take a piece of opaque tape and cover the webcam. (Just about all laptops seem to have them built in now.) If you accidentally turn on the camera at the wrong time, or a hacker gets in, your actions could be viewed and recorded anywhere in the world. Don't trust an indicator light to tell you when it is in operation. If a hacker can get in, I'm sure they can turn off the light almost as easily as they can turn on the camera.
• The cost of my health insurance is going up 15% for the coming year. :(
• Burlesquer Nasty Canasta gave me a CD of Bhangra music, which contains the music she used for her Christmas number. I liked one of the other songs even more, Big Drum Small World by the Dhol Foundation. I started up a Pandora station with it, and it's really great. It's basically just instrumental, kind of Indian New Age.
• Not that I've really done a study of it, but it's my impression that the "anti-incumbent wave" people keep talking about is much more prevalent among Republicans than Democrats--which stands to reason, as the Democrats control the federal government right now. Thus we've seen a number of Tea Party candidates eliminating Republican incumbents in the primaries. But I'm predicting that except in districts where there's a strong Republican majority, the Democrats will beat the Tea Partiers in November, keeping Congress in good hands.

Public service announcement

Estimated taxes are due today.

Question of the day

From the Associated Press:

A New Zealand air force Orion airplane was on standby to fly to the U.S. McMurdo Station science base on the north Antarctic coast to pick up the man, said Matt Vance, a spokesman for government agency Antarctica New Zealand.

Isn't the entire Antarctic coast to the north?

My last post on the mosque (maybe)

From the Metropolitan Diary column of the NY Times:

Dear Diary:

I was in a taxi, late for a doctor’s appointment, when the driver turned around and, with a serious gaze, asked if I was American.

After I told him I was, he asked if I was from New York. Again I replied in the affirmative.

“So tell me,” he asked, “what do you think of the mosque being built downtown?”

Eager to reveal that some New Yorkers believe in religious freedom and civil rights, I exclaimed, “Well, you know, it’s not just a mosque, it’s a whole community center as well, and I think it’s fine for them to build wherever they want.”

I waited for his approval, but he shook his head and said, “Well, I am a Muslim, and I think it is a very, very bad idea!”

Expecting a philosophical explanation, I asked him why.

Clearly agitated, he explained, as though it were obvious: “Because of the parking situation downtown! You can’t find parking anywhere near there!”

Stephanie Lazar

That taxi driver is a true New Yorker.

It's 9/11, again

It's been four years since I blogged about the attack(s) on the World Trade Center, and my experiences in them. Up until now I thought my last post expressed everything I wanted to say on the subject. But recent events have changed that. First, there was the controversy over the "ground zero mosque." Then there was the announced, but subsequently "suspended," Koran-burning in Florida, which has gotten itself enmeshed in the "mosque" brouhaha.

As to the former, as many others have pointed out, the proposed Islamic community center is neither at "ground zero" (a term I hate), nor is it essentially a mosque. It's a couple blocks away and around the corner from the World Trade Center site--it certainly does not overlook it, as some critics have claimed. And, while it will contain rooms where people can pray (similar to hospital chapels, I think), religious observance is not its primary purpose. It's a community center.

Disregarding the facts, some outspoken family members of those killed in the attack have opposed it, calling it disrespectful to their loved ones. (Some family members do support its construction.) The right wing media have made it an issue, and many politicians, primarily but not exclusively Republicans, have come out against it.

But even if it were a mosque, I would have no objections to placing it there. The terrorists who destroyed the Trade Center hated the freedoms America stands for, including freedom of religion. It is not disrespectful to the people who died there to have a center dedicated to the exercise of a religion--even if it's the same general religion of the people who killed them. On the contrary, it is a monument to the committment of our nation to one of our fundamental freedoms, freedoms that the terrorists were willing to commit suicide to try to destroy. The Islamic cultural center shows the world that we truly believe in the right to freedom of religion.

However, some Americans don't really believe in it. Thus we have Koran-burnings. Started by the minister of a quite small church in Florida, the planned observance of 9/11 with a book-burning has exploded into a world-wide mess. At least one person in Afghanistan has died protesting against it. A U.S. general and President Obama have spoken out in opposition to it. It's not worth getting into all the contradictory statements of the people involved, but the minister at least at one point thought he had traded his cancellation of the Koran-burning for the relocation of the Islamic cultural center. As of this writing he is planning to meet with the imam behind the center's construction. As the minister has termed Islam "of the devil," I can't imagine what they would discuss.

Needless to say, I am opposed to the burning of the Koran, or any religion's holy books. It's not that people in America don't have the right to do such things--we have freedom of speech and expression here. But we have (at least I thought we had), enough respect for the right of people to have differing beliefs that we refrain from such actions.

It's disrespectful to burn religious books. It's not disrespectful to build religion-based community centers. Those are my thoughts on the ninth anniversary of the destruction of the World Trade Center.

Headline of the day

Suspicious stuffed pony blown up outside school

U.S. Marines retake ship from thugs

U.S. Forces Free Ship From Somali Pirates

I know you've been waiting for some more TFLNs

(817): He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

http://tfl.nu/f333

(740): So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

http://tfl.nu/wyhr

(785): Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.

http://tfl.nu/7cn6

(404): I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

http://tfl.nu/5zu2

(415): It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

http://tfl.nu/xojm

(787): 1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

http://tfl.nu/u6qo

(845): I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....

http://tfl.nu/n100

(858): Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

http://tfl.nu/1s89

(716): Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

http://tfl.nu/t979

(217): Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

http://tfl.nu/d6yu

(256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

http://tfl.nu/8xfk

(847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

http://tfl.nu/hdz6

(850): Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.

http://tfl.nu/n4ke

(817): I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

http://tfl.nu/7tmi

(641): Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.

http://tfl.nu/co4b

(603): Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce

http://tfl.nu/x8zt

(513): My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going

http://tfl.nu/twm1

(334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

http://tfl.nu/odgl

Your tax cuts at work

Gail Collins on the Koran burning

When this sort of thing happens, it is important to remember that about 5 percent of our population is and always will be totally crazy.

Full column

Yawn headline of the day

Tri-State Jews Mark Rosh Hashanah At Sunset

JFK on the separation of church and state

I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute--where no Catholic prelate would tell the President (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom to vote...

Sen. John F. Kennedy, 9/12/60(full text)

Living with bobcats XLIX

Texas: Frisco homeowner finds bobcat roaming in backyard, Wild Big Cat Spotted in Garland,
Another Wild Cat Spotted in McKinney Yard, Bobcat on Antony Ct in Arlington

Minnesota: Bobcat comes to visit

Michigan: Ionia County police trying to capture bobcat that bit girl

Washington: Bobcats drop by Bellevue home

Texts from Last Night (and all the nights since I went on vacation)

(206): No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE

http://tfl.nu/0vv1

(440): my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.

http://tfl.nu/zd8a

(416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

http://tfl.nu/pe4m

(714): the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

http://tfl.nu/u653

(760): Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

http://tfl.nu/62pd

(301): i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

http://tfl.nu/enui

(508): Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

http://tfl.nu/1wpy

(919): It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.

http://tfl.nu/c5pc

(978): Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..

http://tfl.nu/r5nl

(630): I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

http://tfl.nu/tob7

(202): Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

http://tfl.nu/k4e9

(631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

http://tfl.nu/jbvc

(937): Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

http://tfl.nu/1bgy

(901): You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

http://tfl.nu/7ksy

(732): I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

http://tfl.nu/zzpw

(540): For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

http://tfl.nu/b2l7

(412): seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

http://tfl.nu/4j0b

(608): The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.

http://tfl.nu/1rx6

(403): I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

http://tfl.nu/d3ev

(519): I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.

http://tfl.nu/mrrz

(251): Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.

http://tfl.nu/u2ur

(702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

http://tfl.nu/2ees

(205): I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.

http://tfl.nu/rek5

(412): My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night

http://tfl.nu/pds9

(585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

http://tfl.nu/vfy0

(618): When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.

http://tfl.nu/ntsr

(630): Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.

http://tfl.nu/wu2q

(419): Why is your signature on my underwear?

http://tfl.nu/8itl

Plan ahead

Another micro movie review

Eat Pray Love--Stupid. Nice scenery, though.

Micro movie review

Cairo Time--Don't waste your time.

Plat du jour--guest submission

Maybe a relative of ARMDLXRY. Both were found by Joanne.

Living with wild turkeys VII

When I tweeted this I said a flock of turkeys seemed to be staying at our inn. A friend of mine said the correct term is a "rafter" of turkeys. Well, she's a college professor, so she must be right.

This is a whole lot better than last year, when the inn had signs up warning us of bears lurking around.

I couldn't go on vacation without posting a few more TFLNs

(765): She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

http://tfl.nu/bbsg

(727): hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.

http://tfl.nu/6l6t

(603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

http://tfl.nu/ivw8

(336): Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!

http://tfl.nu/krm8

(440): We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!

http://tfl.nu/tuy6

(416): Best. Handjob. Ever.
(905): I'm guessing Kelly is over?
(416): Nope. Home alone.

http://tfl.nu/vpw4

Away for vacation

Tomorrow This afternoon I'll be heading off to the Berkshires for a little vacation. (Can a retired person have a vacation? A vacation from what?) I don't know how much opportunity I'll have to blog, so this place might be even less active than usual for the next couple weeks.

Plat du jour

Why? Is the city in danger?

More TFLNs!

(817): I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

http://tfl.nu/9hus

(928): I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"

http://tfl.nu/rf85

(630): everybody makes mistakes
(1-630): i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

http://tfl.nu/cihb

(617): I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...

http://tfl.nu/p474

(219): I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

http://tfl.nu/bvdb

(208): Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.

http://tfl.nu/m330

(410): She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

http://tfl.nu/tg03

(410): She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

http://tfl.nu/po8c

(408): It's chlamydia! Thank God!

http://tfl.nu/1hqj

(859): Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.

http://tfl.nu/7uwl

(763): someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

http://tfl.nu/hdeq

(816): at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?

http://tfl.nu/mw1i

(336): I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.

http://tfl.nu/udb7

(507): Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

http://tfl.nu/ln6l

(845): The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

http://tfl.nu/dldv

(760): Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

http://tfl.nu/f7p5

(617): so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?

http://tfl.nu/c421

Not so nice, MoMA

I got a invitation, with the envelope addressed in a font that looked at first glance to be hand-written, from the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA), where I'm a member. I was invited to an evening reception for its upcoming Abstract Expressionist New York exhibition. Very nice.

Except it wasn't really so nice.

In smaller print at the bottom it said that in order to attend I had to make a "membership gift." A separate card indicated this had to be at least at the $300 level of membership.

That's a bit sneaky. Even if I wanted to contribute that much more, I find the invitation solicitation misleading and, frankly, a bit insulting. If you want to give a reward for donating more money, fine. But be upfront about it.

Sorry, MoMA. No additional money for you.

Happy anniversary..to me!

I just noticed that yesterday was the fifth anniversary of this blog. 1819 posts (including this one), and 77,187 visitors later, I'm still at it--though I seldom write the long posts I used to. I'm a very slow writer, and I no longer want to spend the hours that that kind of posting requires. So there is now very little about my life here. People who are interested in what I'm doing can follow me on Twitter.(I probably won't accept a Facebook friend request, however, unless I actually know you--I'm trying to decrease my time there also. Besides, 90% of what I post there is a duplicate of what I tweet.)

So, happy (belated) anniversary to my glob.

Semi-random thoughts

• A friend reported that she didn't receive a resume that a headhunter had told her he was e-mailing to her. He tried again and it still didn't arrive. She reported this to her systems support. Eventually they explained that the e-mail had been blocked by the company's spam filter--the resume included the fact that the applicant had graduated cum laude.
• I unfriended someone on Facebook because I got a recommendation for a page she liked: George W. Bush. I checked her profile to make sure it wasn't a fluke first, but she had a Carly Fiorina thing posted right there.
• I am always surprised when one of those automatic toilets flush when I stand up.

More TFLNs

(408): if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

http://tfl.nu/15wd

(816): Absence makes the cock grow harder.

http://tfl.nu/yyl1

(407): we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her

http://tfl.nu/n8un

(843): I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

http://tfl.nu/1lt0

(773): Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

http://tfl.nu/9eix

(603): did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

http://tfl.nu/v4st

(607): My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

http://tfl.nu/oech

(774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

http://tfl.nu/6q4x

(519): I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

http://tfl.nu/bx5i

It must be a very slow news day

Speeding driver in Macedonia kills 30 sheep

Happy 8/9/10!

This week's best TFLNs

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Plat du jour--guest submission

Found by Joanne

Living with bobcats XLVIII

Kansas: Starving and just 6 weeks old, bobcat cub finds temporary home with Kansas family, Baby bobcat found in Whitewater will get new home

TFLN time

(845): Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

http://tfl.nu/6leg

(562): cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

http://tfl.nu/kis8

(773): How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

http://tfl.nu/o0zg

(850): my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

http://tfl.nu/5x0x

(731): who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

http://tfl.nu/e0pj

(303): I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed

http://tfl.nu/1p3v

(517): My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX

http://tfl.nu/rv1c

(609): It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

http://tfl.nu/cjjj

(917): about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

http://tfl.nu/ygjn

(703): The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

http://tfl.nu/ttp7

(401): Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

http://tfl.nu/4teg

(785): Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.

http://tfl.nu/00se

(908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

http://tfl.nu/ltgr

(310): Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.

http://tfl.nu/fsai

(352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
(352): Just realized these events may be related.

http://tfl.nu/i6sd

(337): There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

http://tfl.nu/dznq

Headline of the day (if today were Wednesday)

Marriage Counselor Stabbed to Death By Her Husband

I love it when parents tell their kids the truth

Upper East Side girl reading book about knights: Mommy, what does our family crest look like?
Upper East Side mom: Poor people being crushed by a boot.

--Playground, E 72nd St

Overheard by: Dude under the shoe

via Overheard in New York, Jul 30, 2010

Living with bobcats XLVII

Why bobcats invade urban areas

Texas: Bobcat sighting prompts advisory, Bobcats Move into Dallas Neighborhood

Arizona: Grayhawk guests greeted by bobcat

Pennsylvania: 'It's a rare treat': Bobcat sheds its secrecy

It seems like 3 good TFLNs a day is the trend now

(708): Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

http://tfl.nu/m9p5

(909): don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

http://tfl.nu/8txy

(978): He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

http://tfl.nu/4chi

I'll never have to go to a machine in the subway again

My new automatically-refilling Metrocard.

Every time it gets below $20 it is automatically refilled using my credit card.

Just three good TFLNs this time

(615): Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

http://tfl.nu/eowl

(519): My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
(1-519): I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

http://tfl.nu/039y

(412): He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

http://tfl.nu/5shs

Living with bobcats XLVI

Texas: Bobcat Sighting

Plat du jour

I assume they were too late to get just UR2L8.

Semi-random thoughts

• My wife and I got each other the same anniversary card. Yeah, we've been married a long time.
• There was just an article in the NY Times about Facebook's handling of deceased account holders. A few hours after reading that a dead friend of mine popped up on the friends' list on my profile page.
• I have found a way to keep two different Yahoo e-mail accounts open simultaneously.  You have to use different browsers. I downloaded Google Chrome and now I don't have to keep logging in and out to go between my female and male accounts.

End of an era

I have ended my subscription to Newsday. I think I started reading it when the Long Island-based newspaper created "New York Newsday" in 1985. Their advertising slogan was "Truth, Justice and the Comics." It tried to position itself between the (comic-less) New York Times and the city's tabloids, The Daily News and the Post. Popularly, New York Newsday was called "the tabloid in a tutu."

That worked fine for me. I got a paper that had good news coverage, excellent columnists (Jimmy Breslin, Jim Dwyer, Frank DeCaro, Liz Smith, Dear Abby and Ann Landers)--and the comics, which I did miss just reading the Times. (By then I refused to buy either the Post or the News to read their comics--they were both quite conservative politically.) It even was easy to read on the subway.

Unfortunately, it did not work with a lot of other people, and in the mid-90's they gave up on New York Newsday. They reverted to an expanded version of their old Queens edition. It had less coverage of the city itself, but it still was a good newspaper, and I continued my subscription.

Things went downhill from there, as it did for all newspapers. I think they had a small bureau in Washington, or at least one reporter, but that was dropped. The columnists left voluntarily or were dropped. The comics went from three pages to two, and the strips that remained were printed so small that some were very hard to read. In 2005 they shrank their New York City bureau, and their New York City news coverage, significantly.

I continued my subscription mostly out of inertia. I've been getting most of my news via the internet. In recent years about the only things I got from Newsday were the (tiny) comics, Broadway show reviews, an inferior advice column, and, a couple of  times a week, two pages of NYC entertainment news. I dropped Sunday delivery a while ago, because a third of the time there were sections missing--usually including the comics, all of which I could get on the internet.

Newsday has become a shadow of its former self, and I don't want to spend money for memories of what once was. Now I'll get all of my comics electronically. I will continue to read the NY Times business and sports sections (my wife gets the rest of the paper), and rely on the internet for the rest of my news. An era has passed.

Yes, it's time for more Texts From Last Night

(828): I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

http://tfl.nu/0hvj

(760): when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

http://tfl.nu/5xpe

(917): Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
(347): I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

http://tfl.nu/2bcu

(310): she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
(1-310): wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh

http://tfl.nu/mhlr

(555): Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

http://tfl.nu/aho3

(480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
(774): Someone just got laid.

http://tfl.nu/ub8q

Headline of the day

Cops: Man uses crucifix to break into donation box

Living with bobcats XLV

Texas: Police think 'tigers' spotted near Union Station were bobcats, More bobcats spotted near downtown Dallas

Oregon: Bobcat that was captured escapes from Bonny Slope home in Washington County

Keeping up with Texts From Last Night

(970): Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

http://tfl.nu/9pof

(908): You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
(1-908): I'll google it

http://tfl.nu/bsan

(617): I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker

http://tfl.nu/yzaq

(585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
(518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

http://tfl.nu/nk88

(914): I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

http://tfl.nu/s43y

(757): Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

http://tfl.nu/pqxc

Plat du jour

Do NOT get into an accident with this guy.

This week's best Texts From Last Night

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Living with bobcats XLIV

Arizona: 3 young bobcats captured in north Casa Grande

Texas: Residents near Rolling Hills Country Club in Arlington reporting bobcats, Bobcat spotted roaming Dallas neighborhood

Headline of the day

Authorities in Belarus disperse pillow fight

(OK, the day was Thursday--I've been busy.)

Happy Bastille Day!

It's Bastille Day, which marks the beginning of the French Revolution in 1789--their 4th of July.

And happy anniversary to Helen and Rachel, and happy birthday to Johanna!

I already went to an early Bastille Day ball last Friday.

Semi-random thoughts

• It's weird listening to the 1812 Overture on the tiny speaker of my Droid phone.
• This blog has received its 76,000th visitor.
• My bank has lowered the interest rate on my mortgage. I received notice of the new amount one day after I made my payment. The extra money will go to reduce my principal--which means I'll have a smaller final payment to make--in 2032.
• It seems Rush Limbaugh had his NY apartment a block from me. I don't remember ever seeing him in the supermarket, however.

Living with mountain lions IX

Texas: Mountain Lion spotted in Round Rock

From today's TFLN

(610): The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

http://tfl.nu/0qxf

(985): Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!

http://tfl.nu/9t2j

(214): It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.

http://tfl.nu/oc6k

(908): Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

http://tfl.nu/uh3k

(712): The police scanner is talking about you again....

http://tfl.nu/f6sk

Plats du jour--guest submission

Found by Joanne.

I ♥ Texts From Last Night

(504): My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

 http://tfl.nu/4z6k

(609): i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast

http://tfl.nu/q9sr
 

(630): Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
(217): Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

 http://tfl.nu/huht

(347): Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....

http://tfl.nu/buh9

Living with mountain lions (cougars) VIII

Wisconsin: Cougar Sighting in Merrill

Canada: Cougar spotted in Abbotsford, kills housecat

Living with bobcats XLIII

Connecticut: Rabid bobcat bit dog on Terry's Plains Road

Canada: Bobcat tracked after pet cat killed

Plat du jour

An umpire, I assume.

From the Department Of Redundancy Department

Patent holder sues smart phone makers over patents

--Associated Press

TFLN time

(240): I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

 http://tfl.nu/xn7n

(626): she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

http://tfl.nu/loae

Plat du jour

I don't know if this is in reference to the color of the car.

Question of the day

Why does Facebook have its own page on Facebook?

Living with bobcats XLII

Connecticut: Rabid Bobcat Attacks Dogs, Owner

Plat du jour

Texts From Last Night round-up

(575): We need to talk about our relationship.
(403): I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

http://tfl.nu/0ub4

(757): Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

http://tfl.nu/x7ms

(303): there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'

http://tfl.nu/7sje

(440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

http://tfl.nu/9dr3

(917): I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.

http://tfl.nu/nr6p

(401): so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C

http://tfl.nu/zt1d

(956): Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

http://tfl.nu/dv3c

(804): Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

http://tfl.nu/fzwu

(304): He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

http://tfl.nu/2www

(562): In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

http://tfl.nu/hz7t

(540): Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

http://tfl.nu/2421

(630): We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

http://tfl.nu/p9wa

I'm afraid it has come to this

From Overheard in the Office

Service rep on phone: Yes, ma'am, I can find a salon near you. What is your zip code?
(sound of five beeps as woman keys in her zip code)
Service rep: Ma'am, could you speak your zip code, please?
(five beeps again)
Service rep: Ma'am! You are on the phone with a human being! Tell me, using your words, what you zip code is! (pause) Thank you, no, I'm not a recording!

Best of Overheard in New York

Gray line employee #1: I hate the human race!
Gray line employee #2: They always speak well of you.

--47th St & 8th Ave

source, Jun 29, 2010

Living with mountain lions VII

Arizona: Police warn residents to be on lookout for mountain lion in area

Yawn headline of the day

Fireworks to highlight July Fourth celebrations