Would you recharge your car here?

If they can't even spell "vehicle" correctly, think how much they could mess up your car.

Plat du jour--guest submission

Found by Joanne.

Micro movie review

Snow White and the Huntsman--Fairly well done, though the final battle needed more work. Nothing surprising, little gore. The dwarfs are the best part.

Plat du jour

Trans Brit receives royal honor

Actress and campaigner April Ashley, one of the first Britons to undergo sex-change surgery, was awarded an OBE "for services to transgender equality."

Source

Plat du jour--guest submission

Found by Joanne.

Micro movie reviews

Men in Black 3: I couldn't believe two hours went by so fast. So much fun, even if it didn't always make sense.

The Avengers: Begins and ends strong, drags in the middle. Learn the backstory if you don't already know it.

West African thugs foiled

Pirates attack Greek oil tanker off Nigeria

Animal headline of the day

Black bear euthanized after eating Canada murderer

Though the details of the story are really not very interesting, this is a great headline.

Out-of-the-office notice

Tomorrow I'm leaving for a week in Las Vegas (I'm taking a break from packing right now). I'm going for the Burlesque Hall of Fame Weekend, so don't plan on seeing any new posts here until I get back.

Plat du jour

Semi-random thoughts

• It looks like NYC taxi fares are going up. I've been saying for a while, that at the next fare increase I'll start using a credit card instead of paying cash, which I know the drivers prefer. The amount of cash I need for cab rides for an evening out will be much more than I want to be carrying around.
• The phrase "turn of the century" has become ambiguous. 
• The well-financed "Americans Elect" effort to put a third-party centrist candidate for president on the ballot this November has died. I'm relieved. This had the potential to disrupt the re-election of President Obama. 

Living with mountain lions XI

Mountain lion wanders into California city center, is killed

Mountain Lion Spotted Near Manchester, NH School

TFLNs of the (last) week

(402): As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date http://tfl.nu/07k6

(443): He told me the color of his piss.  Worst.  First date.  Ever. http://tfl.nu/42ep

(601): When you get home there will be live fish in the  bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub. http://tfl.nu/pgrs

(360): do we own a ladder
(206): We do not.
(360): then how am i on the roof http://tfl.nu/xqbq

(651): We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom. http://tfl.nu/dyyq

(419): I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck. http://tfl.nu/c5ir

(774): I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it. http://tfl.nu/ttfm

(503): Did I change midway through last night?
(206): Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking http://tfl.nu/rz21

(615): Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
(1-615): By a pack of ravenous dildos http://tfl.nu/hx21

(845): Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12 http://tfl.nu/01a6

(607): Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
(315): I get naked cuz your not there http://tfl.nu/p9qb

(914): Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon. http://tfl.nu/php8

(602): Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house? http://tfl.nu/arpl

(904): He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer. http://tfl.nu/iriu

(+44): Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower. http://tfl.nu/m2lh

(407): I'm pregnant
(1-407): The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number??? http://tfl.nu/ivb7

Comic of the (last) week

Non Sequitur

I just noticed

It's my half-birthday.

Micro movie review

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: A bit more than the complete fluff I expected. Suspend your disbelief and enjoy the wonderful performances.

Yay! Now they're attacking the Somali thugs' land bases

EU attack helicopters lay waste to pirate lair

Also: Royal Navy blasts suspected Somali pirate boat out of the water

One good TFLN, from, er, last night

(314): Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress. http://tfl.nu/ibp9

Micro movie review

The Kid With a Bike (Le Gamin au Velo): A slow-moving story of a boy coping with being abandoned by his father, and being foster-parented by a stranger. Well-acted, but that's about it.

I like this

Texting While Walking Banned in New Jersey Town

The article is unclear whether this applies just to people crossing the street, or to anyone walking on the sidewalk.

Headline of the day

Lexus found submerged in family’s swimming pool; drunk-driving suspected

As we used to say, "No shit, Sherlock."

Considering how long it's been, surprisingly few good TFLNs

(864): I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in http://tfl.nu/mz6f

(805): So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
(1-805): Sweet. Did I win?
(805): Youre hungover arent you? http://tfl.nu/l89i

(818): The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me. http://tfl.nu/w1nr

(252): i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no. http://tfl.nu/99ae

(989): I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep. http://tfl.nu/zu0y

(215): I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up http://tfl.nu/xoz1

(801): There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume. http://tfl.nu/bk3r

(217): You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you http://tfl.nu/uqrj

(720): Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something. http://tfl.nu/z9g9

(419): Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
(1-419): Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly. http://tfl.nu/ok5v

(609): Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him. http://tfl.nu/6jaw

(717): I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan http://tfl.nu/f98a

(703): Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
(571): I'd say they're off to a great start! http://tfl.nu/1lyt

(519): My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!! http://tfl.nu/hi1l

(+44): He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again! http://tfl.nu/ztd6

(561): I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line? http://tfl.nu/0ivn

(212): The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard.  I can't believe I believed you. http://tfl.nu/c03k

(512):  I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone http://tfl.nu/z79l

(696): Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
(451): Some ppl might frown upon it  but theyre prudes http://tfl.nu/39ll

Comic of the day Ok, Comic of the week All right, Comic of the last two weeks

Close to Home

Runner-up:

Bizzaro

And yay, Turkey!

Turkish commandos arrest 14 pirates, free seven Yemenis

Yay, Netherlands!

Dutch warship rescues 17 hostages from Somali pirates

Plat du jour--guest submission

Found by Joanne.

Living with wild turkeys XIII

Staten Island turkeys among '6 Mind-Blowing Animal Infestations' list

Somali thugs successful again

Pirates Allegedly Seize Million-Barrel Oil Tanker 

UPDATE: Pirates seize Greek-owned tanker off Oman

Metaphor mix-up of the day

"I've got very big shoes to follow."

Semi-random thoughts

• I was reading one of the blogs on my blogroll recently. The writer used the wrong word for something, and I left a comment, hoping she would correct it. I would have been perfectly happy if she just corrected it and deleted my comment--I wasn't looking for a public thank you. Instead, she criticized me for trying to help. I have deleted her blog from my list. I see no reason to help promote her work.
• I wish Twitter and Facebook had filters that prevented pictures of people's pets from appearing on my feeds.
• It's always a little weird when I get home very late and the doorman greets me with "Good morning," and then we say "Good night" when I get in the elevator.
• Every time I go to a show at Joe's Pub someone at my table spills a drink on me. It's happened the last three times I went there.

Plat du jour--guest submission

I worry about someone who thinks they're both judge and jury.

Found by Joanne.

West African thugs strike again

Pirates hijack oil tanker off Togo

Happy Star Wars Day!

May the Fourth be with you.

Mid-week TFLNs

(559): He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year http://tfl.nu/93v6

(317):  For future reference  "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea http://tfl.nu/lnc6

(910): I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself..... http://tfl.nu/3gq0

(416): Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked". http://tfl.nu/jucw

(714): A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake.   She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now. http://tfl.nu/19el

(416): I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS? http://tfl.nu/n2hz

Fossella again? Ugh!

Vito Fossella: Back in the House someday?

Apparently every two years there will be somebody who thinks the rightfully extinct political career of this jerk can be resurrected. The last time I blogged about it here.

Headline of the day

Man sues BMW, alleging motorcycle seat gave him two-year erection

The TFLNs are early this week

Not very many good ones. Or maybe my standards have risen.

(503): Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday http://tfl.nu/7fl3

(770): He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days? http://tfl.nu/yt8d

(503): So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address... http://tfl.nu/a3xh

(719): Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great http://tfl.nu/tj20

Negotiator for Somali thugs found guilty in U.S.

Somali Convicted in U.S. Court on Piracy Charges

Yawn headline of the day

First Look: 'Dark Knight Rises' promises violence
Of course there's violence. It's a Batman movie.

Yay, South Africa!

South African Navy helps catch pirates

Keeping up with the TFLNs

(402): He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
(1-402): Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors. http://tfl.nu/lcrs

(323): He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
(310): well did you say yes? http://tfl.nu/94vg

(804): We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.  http://tfl.nu/2b1c

(303): You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories. http://tfl.nu/6f6h

Comic of the day

Rhymes With Orange

The rest of the week's best TFLNs

Sex(?)

(407): I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl http://tfl.nu/1s7i

(937): They let me close the tennis center alone.  It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls.  Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list. http://tfl.nu/o7iw

(201): Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper. http://tfl.nu/iewi

(+61): I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane. http://tfl.nu/dlou

(909): I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats. http://tfl.nu/jzu3

Animals

(720): Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it. http://tfl.nu/6vuz

(774): We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot. http://tfl.nu/pm9n

Last night

(303): accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones... http://tfl.nu/822e

(956): Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone? http://tfl.nu/ptfa

(214): you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night. http://tfl.nu/mxyx

(203): Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night? http://tfl.nu/3u1b

Pregnancy: No, yes, maybe

(309): he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel http://tfl.nu/08pr

(587): Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant? http://tfl.nu/fsev

(714): You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test.  Just saying http://tfl.nu/xa50

(303): They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us http://tfl.nu/8tzs

(203): I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant. http://tfl.nu/7i15

(941): I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant. http://tfl.nu/bzfq

Other

(319): Let's drink?
(1-319): Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast. http://tfl.nu/5wza

(727): Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea http://tfl.nu/mom5

(314): No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
(1-314): You're the worst gay friend ever. http://tfl.nu/4trc

(423): It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling. http://tfl.nu/7h2p

(714): She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out.  Now what? http://tfl.nu/cv8q

(262): the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here? http://tfl.nu/0zqj

(310): Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow? http://tfl.nu/9403

And my favorite for the week

(202): Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that. http://tfl.nu/hdvk

Comic of the day

Runner-up:
Rhymes With Orange

Somewhere (California probably) Tom Lehrer is smiling

Search On For Person Poisoning Pigeons On The Upper West Side

OK, so apparently this wasn't done in a park, but it still brings to mind Tom Lehrer's song:

Micro movie review (I finally got to see it)

The Artist: It deserved those Oscars.

Somali thugs disrupted

Somalia: Spanish Warship Reina Sofia Rescues Innocent Somali Crew Held Hostage By Pirates

The sad thing is, the victims are so afraid of the thugs they won't press charges, so they'll go free to grab another ship.

Living with coyotes XXVI (and living with bobcats LIX)

New York: Coyote warning in Westchester County

Semi-random thoughts

• It's "Hear, hear!," not "Here, here!"
• I can't say I like the new blogger interface very much. Aside from the temporary bother learning where everything is now, I'm not sure there's a way of directly viewing an old post you just edited. I've only used it once, but when I posted it sent me to my edit post list.
• Someone just visited a post I wrote the first week of my glob, back in 2005. It was fun seeing how I wrote back then.

Midweek TFLNs

(541): they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you http://tfl.nu/813g

(480): I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level. http://tfl.nu/m64o

(252): I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard. http://tfl.nu/2lw3

Living with wild turkeys XII

Wild Turkey Flocks to Washington Heights Fire Escape

Park Avenue flower racism

They put the white one in front.

TFLNs! I know you've been waiting for them

I can see how many of you enter my blog through my TFLN posts.

(270): Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together. http://tfl.nu/2jfm

(604): So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights.  I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it.  All he did was smirk. http://tfl.nu/87wr

(607): just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out http://tfl.nu/axwq

(954): My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted?? http://tfl.nu/5rk7

(313): I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night? http://tfl.nu/g93i

(602): I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night. http://tfl.nu/7hpm

(250): I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest http://tfl.nu/zut9

(365): As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
(1-365): I was judging you. http://tfl.nu/3tin

(740): Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves. http://tfl.nu/uw3n

(842): we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone http://tfl.nu/yvho

(209): She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana. http://tfl.nu/10jo

(206): Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man.  And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago. http://tfl.nu/wvly

(570): I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo. http://tfl.nu/a7p8

(612): I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house http://tfl.nu/z7wf

(404): STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing... http://tfl.nu/ooo5

(845): Make me a sandwich
(301): The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich. http://tfl.nu/al2a

(317): The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often. http://tfl.nu/fdr3

(337): I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up. http://tfl.nu/g5uf

Occasionally you'll find a tourist who's not so dumb

Tourist #1: Excuse me, do you know where 42nd street is?
Tourist #2: Between 41st and 43rd, I think.

--40th St & Broadway
via Overheard in New York

Animal headline of the day

Alligator visits Louisiana motel, bites guest

Yay, Denmark!

Danish warship rescues 12 from Somali pirates

Finally: TFLNs!

(732): Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later http://tfl.nu/qouw

(301): sorry
(304): why?
(301): oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you? http://tfl.nu/0491

(570): If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes. http://tfl.nu/for0

(415): STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU http://tfl.nu/78be

(208): Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch. http://tfl.nu/hfll

(732): When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails. http://tfl.nu/3vyn

(503): I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs. http://tfl.nu/skdm

(914): Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again. http://tfl.nu/ajpy

(613): We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me. http://tfl.nu/jjop

(203): what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning?  whole diff kind of walk of shame. http://tfl.nu/l6g2

(908): You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
(732): Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming. http://tfl.nu/bgum

(708): what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in? http://tfl.nu/gh3z

(540): I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present? http://tfl.nu/y1uu

(828): In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier http://tfl.nu/71e3

(847): a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again? http://tfl.nu/tc2t

(907): It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome. http://tfl.nu/2baz

(+44): A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh... http://tfl.nu/ky7u

(631): he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing http://tfl.nu/xi7n

(808): At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life. http://tfl.nu/lsk4

(614): I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
(1-614): Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate? http://tfl.nu/mxr5

(231): I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement http://tfl.nu/2xwy

(419): I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation. http://tfl.nu/t73g

(860): I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us. http://tfl.nu/pfss

(916): I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me. http://tfl.nu/xyna

(440): Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits... http://tfl.nu/u2u5

Somali thugs lose again

Hijacked ship crew members rescued

Animal headline of the day

World’s first hotel for sheep opens in Japan

Micro movie reviews

Footnote: Israeli comedy. This was an Oscar finalist? I guess they have a strange sense of humor. I also guess they couldn't think of an ending, because it didn't have one.

The Hunger Games: A stupid, sadistic fight to the death among teenaged gladiators, with a love story thrown in. The abridgement of the novel (at least I assume that's the cause) left a couple things hanging. A sort of deus ex machina ending.

A first in my lifetime

A friend of mine owed me $12, and her payment included a $2 bill--something which I rarely come across. Then I remembered that I also have $50 and $100 bills right now, which doesn't occur very often either. I checked and found I have the usual $1, $5, $10 and $20 bills also. Thus, for the first time ever, I am in possesion of an example of all of the denominations of currency the United States now has in public circulation.

Somali thugs lose twice

Somalia: Would Be Pirates Captured By European Naval Forces

Piracy – Warship Frees Captives off Somalia Coast

Somali thugs hijack two, far from home

Somali pirates 'seize ship off Maldives'

Bolivian ship hijacked off Maldivian coast

TFLN time

(801): "Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much. http://tfl.nu/4lhq

(260): DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER http://tfl.nu/2v94

(312): I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises. http://tfl.nu/7cml

(407): work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss. http://tfl.nu/700o

(541): I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail" http://tfl.nu/tdde

(602): She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob http://tfl.nu/kuny

(917): hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog. http://tfl.nu/99w0

(718): She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on. http://tfl.nu/7c2k

(316): At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me.  I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped.  Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?! http://tfl.nu/842p

(757): is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle? http://tfl.nu/66tk

(631): im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night http://tfl.nu/im54

(214): And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy http://tfl.nu/y3l1

(802): Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents http://tfl.nu/oucv

(619): Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by... http://tfl.nu/g8gw

(289): If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf. http://tfl.nu/kp2h

More bad news for the Somali thugs

EU extends range of its anti-piracy patrols, allowing strikes inside Somalia

Life imitates (bad) art

Borat anthem played by mistake at medals ceremony

Somali thugs grab another ship?

This one is questionable. This seems to be the first, and only, report of a ship being taken more than two weeks ago.

UAE tanker taken by Somali pirates

Plat du jour--guest submission

Heal you, I'm guessing.

Found by Joanne.

This week's TFLNs

(210): The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas http://tfl.nu/zrzb

(727): The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands. http://tfl.nu/kwg7

(910): I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything. http://tfl.nu/veiz

(603): Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight http://tfl.nu/77hx

(651): Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door? http://tfl.nu/hi0q

(408): You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you. http://tfl.nu/r2tt

(479): I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning! http://tfl.nu/musz

(251): Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now. http://tfl.nu/uhhh

(814): My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible. http://tfl.nu/fwco

(253): When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?! http://tfl.nu/f0hc

(210): Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it. http://tfl.nu/xm4g

(816): Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
(816): I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it. http://tfl.nu/9xew

(780): Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job? http://tfl.nu/b4va

(949): That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it http://tfl.nu/rt9p

(604): The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her. http://tfl.nu/woml

(423): Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
(707): ...did you eat that brownie? http://tfl.nu/j241

Animal headline of the day

Staten Island Man Finds California Kingsnake In His Toilet Bowl

That's a long swim.

Micro movie review

Free Men (Les hommes libres)--A propagandistic story of a young Arab man drifting into the Paris resistance in WWII. Dubious history. And a couple times it just made no sense.

Happy Pi Day!

Eat some pie.

You didn't really think I gave up on TFLNs, did you? Part 2

(208): so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/25ho

(630): They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock... http://tfl.nu/p7g4

(520): Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
(1-520): I can pencil you in at 3:30 http://tfl.nu/ztyv

(905): When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog? http://tfl.nu/u47g

(404): He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a
greeting by chest bump. http://tfl.nu/2ksd

(516): perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection http://tfl.nu/w4cf

(860): I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens http://tfl.nu/onsn

(608): I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh. http://tfl.nu/0i8s

(516): perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection http://tfl.nu/w4cf

(804): Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender
with me. http://tfl.nu/bct9

(701): I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day. http://tfl.nu/5jp7

(916): I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black
out on Sat.
(1-916): Can we laminate it? Just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/1wiq

(419): Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day. http://tfl.nu/oeq7

You didn't really think I gave up on TFLNs, did you? Part 1

(623): Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts http://tfl.nu/oqnb

(703): I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face. http://tfl.nu/cgkz

(503): It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night http://tfl.nu/ctpp

(941): I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out. http://tfl.nu/omsw

(330): I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
(216): this is the second day in a row.
(330): Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then. http://tfl.nu/tsfk

(843): I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest. http://tfl.nu/0b74

(619): Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight http://tfl.nu/2z23

(603): Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants,
a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
(603): Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
http://tfl.nu/6wu2

(847): Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on
erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding http://tfl.nu/svxp

(561): I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to
agree. http://tfl.nu/yxk6

(719): the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand. http://tfl.nu/ekbv

(214): So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite.
Bravo, sir. Bravo. http://tfl.nu/7r9s

(410): I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much http://tfl.nu/fm3j

(641): Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in
front of them that I sleep in your bed with you http://tfl.nu/x1rz

(610): the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as
a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
(215): did she buy you pizza? http://tfl.nu/k5jd

(757): I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass. http://tfl.nu/p1y3

Living with wild hogs IV

Wily, Elusive Foragers Invade Upstate New York

Animal headline of the day

Pizza Goat's Identity Revealed

Plat du jour

Public Service Announcement--Reset your clocks

U.S. (and Canadian, I believe) people: Daylight savings time starts at 2:00am, except in the few areas that don't observe it. Set your clocks ahead one hour before going to sleep, or you'll be an hour late for everything tomorrow.

A great explanation of Free Speech

Free Speech Bites Rush Limbaugh Back

I don't know who the writer of this commentary is, but he or she certainly does understand the Free Speech clause of the First Amendment.

I was wondering if he'd ever say this

Harold Camping Admits Rapture Prediction 'A Mistake'

I blogged about this here and here.

Micro movie reviews

Three from the Rendez-Vous with French Cinema:

Farewell, My Queen (Les adieux à la reine)--A well-made but totally fictional tale of a lady-in-waiting of Marie Antoinette's in the first days of the French revolution. Worth your time.

Here Below (Ici-bas)--The pointless story, supposedly based on a real incident, of a crazy nun (she sees visions) who falls in love with a priest, who is working for the French resistance in World War II. Don't bother.

The Well-Digger's Daughter (La fille du puisatier)--The best of the lot. Daniel Auteuil stars in and directs (his first time) this remake of a classic Pagnol film from 1940. A bit melodramatic, it does capture a simple man's quest for honor in southern France at the beginning of World War I.

Plat du jour

Let's hear it for Carbonite

I have been using Carbonite for years to automatically back-up my hard drive. It works great. But for a while I've been troubled by the fact that it advertises on right-wing idiot commentator Rush Limbaugh's radio program.

Now I can feel better about using Carbonite--it is pulling its ads. Carbonite is one of several advertisers to drop Limbaugh after he branded a law student a slut and a prostitute because she called for birth control coverage under the health plans of religious institutions like her university. After several days, Limbaugh has issued a semi-apology, but that was not enough for Carbonite to reconsider.

Yay, Carbonite!

Question of the day

Why are they called bus shelters? They don't shelter buses. They should be called bus rider shelters.

Semi-random thoughts

• I've added Alan Cumming's blog to my blog roll. I don't follow very many big celebrities on Twitter, Facebook or via blog, but I've been reading his tweets for a while and they're quite good. His blog is also--he's an excellent writer.
• My prescriptions for 2011 cost nearly $5,000. Fortunately, I have insurance, and I only paid $210. Unfortunately, my insurance cost me a lot more.
• It's not a good sign when the producer of a burlesque show sends out a tweet at 7:30 asking if anyone can perform in a 9:00 o'clock show.
• My glob passed 95,000 visitors yesterday.

Nigerian thugs win one, lose one

Nigeria pirates kidnap cargo ship crew in raid

Pirates open fire, fail to board Nigerian tanker

Yawn headline of the day

Queen Elizabeth II to open 2012 Olympics

Of course she is.

As the article says, she opened the 1976 Olympics in Montreal, and I was there to see her do it.

Happy Leap Day!

Take a frog to lunch. Or a toad. Or a grasshopper. Maybe a kangaroo...

How about a long jumper?

They're still trying the HSBC text scam

I got another fake HSBC text alert like last year. Don't fall for it.

A semi-win against the thugs--Yay, Denmark

2 Hostages Die as Danish Navy Frees Ship Hijacked by Pirates

Denmark piracy raid off Somalia leaves two dead

This week's Sunday TFLN wrap-up is a little late

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Fairey admits guilt

Artist admits lying over Obama poster image

It's been over two years since I last blogged on this. Liar/copyright violator/artist Shepard Fairey has now pleaded guilty to a charge of contempt of court, and faces six months in jail. I hope they throw the book at him.

Semi-random thoughts

• Writing a bio of myself in the third person is weird.
• I got a visitor to my glob from Djibouti.
• A friend of my wife's pointed out that her new thermos is really an adult sippy cup.
• Today is the 25th anniversary of my first meeting the woman who would become my wife.

Two days of TFLNs

(602): I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one.  She is taking me to see her dog now. http://tfl.nu/tbsd

(+55): Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept. http://tfl.nu/o11x

(347): Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray. http://tfl.nu/hbqi

(907): She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music http://tfl.nu/408g

(404): Watch the news tonight.  They interviewed me about a fire.  I was high as balls so it should be entertaining. http://tfl.nu/2wxu

(403): I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick. http://tfl.nu/pw1i

(607): I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
(315): Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch. http://tfl.nu/yk91

(864): I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek http://tfl.nu/7b27

(215): hungover waitressing a bar association event.  im being judged by actual judges. http://tfl.nu/xi1h

They didn't teach us about this when I was in law school

UK court OKs legal claim to be served via Facebook

Of course, there was no Facebook when I was in law school (Mark Zuckerberg had not even been born). Also, no Internet. Also, just about no personal computers.

Headline of the day

Santorum Draws a Crowd in Cumming

If you don't get this, read my earlier post.

Somali thugs 2, Good guys 1

Somali pirates hijack ship off Oman

Living with bobcats LVIII

Texas: Living with wildlife in the city

Arizona: Bobcat caught in trap is treated, fed, freed

California: Bobcat spotted in Rancho Peñasquitos yard

Florida: Strange sight in Pahokee, bobcat on a telephone pole, Rabies advisory for Nassau County, Pet owners beware: Bobcats on the attack in Rocky Point

Kansas: Shawnee Family Surprised by Backyard Bobcat

Minnesota: Bobcat Rescued in Hermantown, Follow-up on bobcat saved by MN police officer

Georgia: Rabid bobcat bit 2 dogs in Gillsville

It's the Sunday TFLN round-up

(814): I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day." http://tfl.nu/1vs8

(+44): He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake.  How was your Valentines Day? http://tfl.nu/3a44

(617): I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes." http://tfl.nu/5alc

(517): all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings. http://tfl.nu/fkoc

(916): WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!! http://tfl.nu/wbdy

(609):  Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
(856): Lmao sorry http://tfl.nu/mr80

(661): random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them http://tfl.nu/utqt

(567): Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there.  Bouncers couldn't catch me tho. http://tfl.nu/6eue

(717): Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move. http://tfl.nu/kgo8

(306): Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out? http://tfl.nu/y1by

(615): When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend? http://tfl.nu/p92h

(310): My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
(323): If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing. http://tfl.nu/54s4

(604): We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES http://tfl.nu/h0lt

(314): CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
(+04): Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you. http://tfl.nu/xp3j

(267): They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment. http://tfl.nu/jokz

(304): I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this? http://tfl.nu/dpdb

(308): And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night? http://tfl.nu/df5d