Animal headline of the day

Alligator visits Louisiana motel, bites guest

Yay, Denmark!

Danish warship rescues 12 from Somali pirates

Finally: TFLNs!

(732): Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later http://tfl.nu/qouw

(301): sorry
(304): why?
(301): oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you? http://tfl.nu/0491

(570): If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes. http://tfl.nu/for0

(415): STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU http://tfl.nu/78be

(208): Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch. http://tfl.nu/hfll

(732): When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails. http://tfl.nu/3vyn

(503): I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs. http://tfl.nu/skdm

(914): Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again. http://tfl.nu/ajpy

(613): We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me. http://tfl.nu/jjop

(203): what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning?  whole diff kind of walk of shame. http://tfl.nu/l6g2

(908): You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
(732): Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming. http://tfl.nu/bgum

(708): what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in? http://tfl.nu/gh3z

(540): I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present? http://tfl.nu/y1uu

(828): In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier http://tfl.nu/71e3

(847): a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again? http://tfl.nu/tc2t

(907): It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome. http://tfl.nu/2baz

(+44): A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh... http://tfl.nu/ky7u

(631): he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing http://tfl.nu/xi7n

(808): At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life. http://tfl.nu/lsk4

(614): I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
(1-614): Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate? http://tfl.nu/mxr5

(231): I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement http://tfl.nu/2xwy

(419): I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation. http://tfl.nu/t73g

(860): I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us. http://tfl.nu/pfss

(916): I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me. http://tfl.nu/xyna

(440): Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits... http://tfl.nu/u2u5

Somali thugs lose again

Hijacked ship crew members rescued

Animal headline of the day

World’s first hotel for sheep opens in Japan

Micro movie reviews

Footnote: Israeli comedy. This was an Oscar finalist? I guess they have a strange sense of humor. I also guess they couldn't think of an ending, because it didn't have one.

The Hunger Games: A stupid, sadistic fight to the death among teenaged gladiators, with a love story thrown in. The abridgement of the novel (at least I assume that's the cause) left a couple things hanging. A sort of deus ex machina ending.

A first in my lifetime

A friend of mine owed me $12, and her payment included a $2 bill--something which I rarely come across. Then I remembered that I also have $50 and $100 bills right now, which doesn't occur very often either. I checked and found I have the usual $1, $5, $10 and $20 bills also. Thus, for the first time ever, I am in possesion of an example of all of the denominations of currency the United States now has in public circulation.

Somali thugs lose twice

Somalia: Would Be Pirates Captured By European Naval Forces

Piracy – Warship Frees Captives off Somalia Coast

Somali thugs hijack two, far from home

Somali pirates 'seize ship off Maldives'

Bolivian ship hijacked off Maldivian coast

TFLN time

(801): "Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much. http://tfl.nu/4lhq

(260): DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER http://tfl.nu/2v94

(312): I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises. http://tfl.nu/7cml

(407): work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss. http://tfl.nu/700o

(541): I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail" http://tfl.nu/tdde

(602): She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob http://tfl.nu/kuny

(917): hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog. http://tfl.nu/99w0

(718): She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on. http://tfl.nu/7c2k

(316): At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me.  I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped.  Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?! http://tfl.nu/842p

(757): is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle? http://tfl.nu/66tk

(631): im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night http://tfl.nu/im54

(214): And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy http://tfl.nu/y3l1

(802): Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents http://tfl.nu/oucv

(619): Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by... http://tfl.nu/g8gw

(289): If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf. http://tfl.nu/kp2h

More bad news for the Somali thugs

EU extends range of its anti-piracy patrols, allowing strikes inside Somalia

Life imitates (bad) art

Borat anthem played by mistake at medals ceremony

Somali thugs grab another ship?

This one is questionable. This seems to be the first, and only, report of a ship being taken more than two weeks ago.

UAE tanker taken by Somali pirates

Plat du jour--guest submission

Heal you, I'm guessing.

Found by Joanne.

This week's TFLNs

(210): The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas http://tfl.nu/zrzb

(727): The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands. http://tfl.nu/kwg7

(910): I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything. http://tfl.nu/veiz

(603): Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight http://tfl.nu/77hx

(651): Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door? http://tfl.nu/hi0q

(408): You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you. http://tfl.nu/r2tt

(479): I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning! http://tfl.nu/musz

(251): Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now. http://tfl.nu/uhhh

(814): My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible. http://tfl.nu/fwco

(253): When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?! http://tfl.nu/f0hc

(210): Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it. http://tfl.nu/xm4g

(816): Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
(816): I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it. http://tfl.nu/9xew

(780): Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job? http://tfl.nu/b4va

(949): That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it http://tfl.nu/rt9p

(604): The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her. http://tfl.nu/woml

(423): Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
(707): ...did you eat that brownie? http://tfl.nu/j241

Animal headline of the day

Staten Island Man Finds California Kingsnake In His Toilet Bowl

That's a long swim.

Micro movie review

Free Men (Les hommes libres)--A propagandistic story of a young Arab man drifting into the Paris resistance in WWII. Dubious history. And a couple times it just made no sense.

Happy Pi Day!

Eat some pie.

You didn't really think I gave up on TFLNs, did you? Part 2

(208): so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/25ho

(630): They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock... http://tfl.nu/p7g4

(520): Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
(1-520): I can pencil you in at 3:30 http://tfl.nu/ztyv

(905): When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog? http://tfl.nu/u47g

(404): He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a
greeting by chest bump. http://tfl.nu/2ksd

(516): perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection http://tfl.nu/w4cf

(860): I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens http://tfl.nu/onsn

(608): I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh. http://tfl.nu/0i8s

(516): perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection http://tfl.nu/w4cf

(804): Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender
with me. http://tfl.nu/bct9

(701): I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day. http://tfl.nu/5jp7

(916): I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black
out on Sat.
(1-916): Can we laminate it? Just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/1wiq

(419): Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day. http://tfl.nu/oeq7

You didn't really think I gave up on TFLNs, did you? Part 1

(623): Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts http://tfl.nu/oqnb

(703): I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face. http://tfl.nu/cgkz

(503): It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night http://tfl.nu/ctpp

(941): I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out. http://tfl.nu/omsw

(330): I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
(216): this is the second day in a row.
(330): Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then. http://tfl.nu/tsfk

(843): I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest. http://tfl.nu/0b74

(619): Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight http://tfl.nu/2z23

(603): Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants,
a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
(603): Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
http://tfl.nu/6wu2

(847): Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on
erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding http://tfl.nu/svxp

(561): I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to
agree. http://tfl.nu/yxk6

(719): the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand. http://tfl.nu/ekbv

(214): So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite.
Bravo, sir. Bravo. http://tfl.nu/7r9s

(410): I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much http://tfl.nu/fm3j

(641): Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in
front of them that I sleep in your bed with you http://tfl.nu/x1rz

(610): the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as
a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
(215): did she buy you pizza? http://tfl.nu/k5jd

(757): I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass. http://tfl.nu/p1y3

Living with wild hogs IV

Wily, Elusive Foragers Invade Upstate New York

Animal headline of the day

Pizza Goat's Identity Revealed

Plat du jour

Public Service Announcement--Reset your clocks

U.S. (and Canadian, I believe) people: Daylight savings time starts at 2:00am, except in the few areas that don't observe it. Set your clocks ahead one hour before going to sleep, or you'll be an hour late for everything tomorrow.

A great explanation of Free Speech

Free Speech Bites Rush Limbaugh Back

I don't know who the writer of this commentary is, but he or she certainly does understand the Free Speech clause of the First Amendment.

I was wondering if he'd ever say this

Harold Camping Admits Rapture Prediction 'A Mistake'

I blogged about this here and here.

Micro movie reviews

Three from the Rendez-Vous with French Cinema:

Farewell, My Queen (Les adieux à la reine)--A well-made but totally fictional tale of a lady-in-waiting of Marie Antoinette's in the first days of the French revolution. Worth your time.

Here Below (Ici-bas)--The pointless story, supposedly based on a real incident, of a crazy nun (she sees visions) who falls in love with a priest, who is working for the French resistance in World War II. Don't bother.

The Well-Digger's Daughter (La fille du puisatier)--The best of the lot. Daniel Auteuil stars in and directs (his first time) this remake of a classic Pagnol film from 1940. A bit melodramatic, it does capture a simple man's quest for honor in southern France at the beginning of World War I.

Plat du jour

Let's hear it for Carbonite

I have been using Carbonite for years to automatically back-up my hard drive. It works great. But for a while I've been troubled by the fact that it advertises on right-wing idiot commentator Rush Limbaugh's radio program.

Now I can feel better about using Carbonite--it is pulling its ads. Carbonite is one of several advertisers to drop Limbaugh after he branded a law student a slut and a prostitute because she called for birth control coverage under the health plans of religious institutions like her university. After several days, Limbaugh has issued a semi-apology, but that was not enough for Carbonite to reconsider.

Yay, Carbonite!

Question of the day

Why are they called bus shelters? They don't shelter buses. They should be called bus rider shelters.

Semi-random thoughts

• I've added Alan Cumming's blog to my blog roll. I don't follow very many big celebrities on Twitter, Facebook or via blog, but I've been reading his tweets for a while and they're quite good. His blog is also--he's an excellent writer.
• My prescriptions for 2011 cost nearly $5,000. Fortunately, I have insurance, and I only paid $210. Unfortunately, my insurance cost me a lot more.
• It's not a good sign when the producer of a burlesque show sends out a tweet at 7:30 asking if anyone can perform in a 9:00 o'clock show.
• My glob passed 95,000 visitors yesterday.

Nigerian thugs win one, lose one

Nigeria pirates kidnap cargo ship crew in raid

Pirates open fire, fail to board Nigerian tanker

Yawn headline of the day

Queen Elizabeth II to open 2012 Olympics

Of course she is.

As the article says, she opened the 1976 Olympics in Montreal, and I was there to see her do it.

Happy Leap Day!

Take a frog to lunch. Or a toad. Or a grasshopper. Maybe a kangaroo...

How about a long jumper?

They're still trying the HSBC text scam

I got another fake HSBC text alert like last year. Don't fall for it.

A semi-win against the thugs--Yay, Denmark

2 Hostages Die as Danish Navy Frees Ship Hijacked by Pirates

Denmark piracy raid off Somalia leaves two dead

This week's Sunday TFLN wrap-up is a little late

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Fairey admits guilt

Artist admits lying over Obama poster image

It's been over two years since I last blogged on this. Liar/copyright violator/artist Shepard Fairey has now pleaded guilty to a charge of contempt of court, and faces six months in jail. I hope they throw the book at him.

Semi-random thoughts

• Writing a bio of myself in the third person is weird.
• I got a visitor to my glob from Djibouti.
• A friend of my wife's pointed out that her new thermos is really an adult sippy cup.
• Today is the 25th anniversary of my first meeting the woman who would become my wife.

Two days of TFLNs

(602): I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one.  She is taking me to see her dog now. http://tfl.nu/tbsd

(+55): Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept. http://tfl.nu/o11x

(347): Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray. http://tfl.nu/hbqi

(907): She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music http://tfl.nu/408g

(404): Watch the news tonight.  They interviewed me about a fire.  I was high as balls so it should be entertaining. http://tfl.nu/2wxu

(403): I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick. http://tfl.nu/pw1i

(607): I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
(315): Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch. http://tfl.nu/yk91

(864): I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek http://tfl.nu/7b27

(215): hungover waitressing a bar association event.  im being judged by actual judges. http://tfl.nu/xi1h

They didn't teach us about this when I was in law school

UK court OKs legal claim to be served via Facebook

Of course, there was no Facebook when I was in law school (Mark Zuckerberg had not even been born). Also, no Internet. Also, just about no personal computers.

Headline of the day

Santorum Draws a Crowd in Cumming

If you don't get this, read my earlier post.

Somali thugs 2, Good guys 1

Somali pirates hijack ship off Oman

Living with bobcats LVIII

Texas: Living with wildlife in the city

Arizona: Bobcat caught in trap is treated, fed, freed

California: Bobcat spotted in Rancho Peñasquitos yard

Florida: Strange sight in Pahokee, bobcat on a telephone pole, Rabies advisory for Nassau County, Pet owners beware: Bobcats on the attack in Rocky Point

Kansas: Shawnee Family Surprised by Backyard Bobcat

Minnesota: Bobcat Rescued in Hermantown, Follow-up on bobcat saved by MN police officer

Georgia: Rabid bobcat bit 2 dogs in Gillsville

It's the Sunday TFLN round-up

(814): I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day." http://tfl.nu/1vs8

(+44): He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake.  How was your Valentines Day? http://tfl.nu/3a44

(617): I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes." http://tfl.nu/5alc

(517): all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings. http://tfl.nu/fkoc

(916): WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!! http://tfl.nu/wbdy

(609):  Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
(856): Lmao sorry http://tfl.nu/mr80

(661): random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them http://tfl.nu/utqt

(567): Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there.  Bouncers couldn't catch me tho. http://tfl.nu/6eue

(717): Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move. http://tfl.nu/kgo8

(306): Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out? http://tfl.nu/y1by

(615): When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend? http://tfl.nu/p92h

(310): My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
(323): If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing. http://tfl.nu/54s4

(604): We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES http://tfl.nu/h0lt

(314): CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
(+04): Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you. http://tfl.nu/xp3j

(267): They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment. http://tfl.nu/jokz

(304): I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this? http://tfl.nu/dpdb

(308): And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night? http://tfl.nu/df5d

Micro movie review

Albert Nobbs: Flawed, but interesting, for a while at least.

Happy Cheap Candy Day!

TFLNs

(+34): You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer. http://tfl.nu/c0a5

(570): Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them http://tfl.nu/2e8h

(772): So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me. http://tfl.nu/5rwa

(757): So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real. http://tfl.nu/gd5o

(512): Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person. http://tfl.nu/kj3e

(541): I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue http://tfl.nu/me08

(515): It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years.  THAT shameful. http://tfl.nu/3wbb

(240): Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day http://tfl.nu/21po

West African thugs lose

Togolese Navy thwarts pirate attack

A week of TFLNs

(404): my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class. http://tfl.nu/g08a

(270): I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to http://tfl.nu/v0lt

(559): No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support. http://tfl.nu/kxfx

(712): You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you? http://tfl.nu/pa4x

(519): Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight. http://tfl.nu/qnvl

(760): But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
(530): I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast http://tfl.nu/lbbf

(617): I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed! http://tfl.nu/vwkc

(940): Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book. http://tfl.nu/boxy

(315): So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
(315): They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair. http://tfl.nu/om27

(+44): I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs. http://tfl.nu/5p7v

(501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie. http://tfl.nu/eccp

(304): The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke. http://tfl.nu/dnme

(248): Update:  it wasn't just our driver.  This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent." http://tfl.nu/u4zv

(434): Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave... http://tfl.nu/1k20

(647): Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
(416): I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle. http://tfl.nu/mzl9

(+61): On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety http://tfl.nu/7rit

(715): An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all. http://tfl.nu/7eme

(973): I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian. http://tfl.nu/8wfu

(586): I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print. http://tfl.nu/m0e5

(641): You might not want to come home tonight.  Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid. http://tfl.nu/bnv7

(860): Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms. http://tfl.nu/d3j8

Micro movie reviews

I'm behind on these.

• Crazy Horse--a long, Frederick Wiseman (i.e. narrationless) documentary on the Paris nightclub. Long on sexy, nearly naked dancing, short on the dancers' stories.
• Shame--the story of a super-handsome guy with a sex addiction and a crazy sister. Not a sympathetic, or even half-way interesting, character in the whole film.
• The Iron Lady--excellent Streep performance, lousy film. 

Somali thugs win one

Greek ship with all-Filipino crew seized off Somalia

From the Department of Unnecessary Signs

(Queensland Police Service/Reuters)

Mangled metaphor of the day

It’s a matter of coming up with something that does not kill the baby with the bath water.

Plat du jour

TFLN time

(802): My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward. http://tfl.nu/hjrs

(541): I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore. http://tfl.nu/k0jx

(360): You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/13cn

(801): walk of shame  this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids.  judgemental little shits.  on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home. http://tfl.nu/tt4s

(530): Maybe I'm a robot.
(831): You can't be that drunk already http://tfl.nu/ekm7

(707): She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast. http://tfl.nu/czk4

(206): We're in the emergency room.  He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face. http://tfl.nu/gmb1

(516): I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick. http://tfl.nu/yu0a

I ♥ NYC

Asian tourist: Sir, is it true that New Yorkers have the nasty habit of answering a question with another question?
Queens old timer: Who told you that?

--Times Square

from Overheard in New York

Plat du jour

Happy Groundhog Day!

Celebrate Groundhog Day. Eat some pork sausage.

More TFLNs

(410): The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal. http://tfl.nu/fe59

(401): in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think http://tfl.nu/ydqs

(570): Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone. http://tfl.nu/7xsv

(708): We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance http://tfl.nu/osk3

(847): I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night  i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles http://tfl.nu/eek8

(215): The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
(267): It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID... http://tfl.nu/2nuu

(847): Disregard the shoes in the freezer. http://tfl.nu/ak94

(215): Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave? http://tfl.nu/vjuq

I didn't realize dead people use the internet

Free Wi-Fi Comes to Trinity Church Graveyard

Animal headline of the day

Heavy snows cause "moose emergency" concern in Alaska

Only one good TFLN since last night, but it's a great one

(717): I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
(215): It's a Thursday. http://tfl.nu/79xq

I love it when parents tell it to their kids straight

Teen, looking at rack of sweater vests: Hey, look--I could turn into Rick Santorum!
Mother: Yeah, but then I'd have to disown you.

--Century 21

Overheard by: Benny
via Overheard in New York, Jan 27, 2012

Of course there are TFLNs

(410): My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end. http://tfl.nu/noz9

(316): He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over. http://tfl.nu/vzgx

(310): She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked. http://tfl.nu/yes9

(202): In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American. http://tfl.nu/gnds

(226): wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all. http://tfl.nu/mko0

(813): EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order? http://tfl.nu/uphg

(248): He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup. http://tfl.nu/dnmt

(614): This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and
sorry if this woke you up! http://tfl.nu/jjmt

(989): walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
http://tfl.nu/do4j

(917): You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard http://tfl.nu/7qxy

(815): Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night. http://tfl.nu/jyfi

(303): Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?! http://tfl.nu/om37

Living with bobcats LVII

I haven't done one of these in a very long time.

Iowa: Bettendorf bobcat sighting no surprise to Iowa DNR, Bettendorf dog survives suspected bobcat attack

Washington: Readers share close encounters

Arizona: Bobcats feast on Fountain Hills pet, Several Bobcats Caught in Fountain Hills, This is a bobcat not a house cat.

Florida: St. Lucie West Man Finds Bobcat In Yard, Officials say big cat spotted in Ocean Ridge could be bobcat - or a dog

Massachusetts: Bobcat found injured on East Longmeadow roadway

Pennsylvania: Possible bobcat sighting in Delaware County

Texas: Deer reported in residential part of Harlingen

Illinois: Bobcat Photographed In A Belleville, Illinois Backyard

Somali kidnappers dead, hostages rescued

U.S. Military Frees 2 Western Hostages From Somali Pirates

TFLN time

(865): He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends. http://tfl.nu/ncfq

(610): i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross.  they have standards. http://tfl.nu/8v5s

(317): I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you." http://tfl.nu/oa2r

(603): they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out http://tfl.nu/559d

(512): Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis http://tfl.nu/fz62

(903): I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair... http://tfl.nu/9cft

(417): Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off? http://tfl.nu/54ro

(360): Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone
(253): you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker. http://tfl.nu/ov6f

(504): I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit. http://tfl.nu/0gcq

(951): I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them. http://tfl.nu/loif

(419): They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that. http://tfl.nu/gjrr

(+44): You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
(+48): Poland http://tfl.nu/96rz

Semi-random thoughts

• It looks like the size of the New York State Senate will increase by one to 63. While this might give the Republicans a slight advantage in trying to retain control of that house, I think that is far preferable to having an even number of senators. That has caused quite a bit of chaos.
• My glob has received a visitor from Cambodia. That might be a first.
• When I'm cold at home I put on an old sweatshirt I got at Tanglewood. It was their 50th anniversary version. Now I see that Tanglewood is celebrating its 75th anniversary this year. So I'm wearing a 25 year old sweatshirt!

Public Service Announcement

Postal rates went up today. First class is now 45 cents.

More TFLNs

(317): hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room. http://tfl.nu/qubv

(804): have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with http://tfl.nu/vxai

(201): Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/of56

(916): Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning. http://tfl.nu/8lph

(501): Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him.. http://tfl.nu/3vco

(217): Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized http://tfl.nu/ymju

(941): I was so  intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh. http://tfl.nu/0uja

Thugs thwarted again

Dutch marines open fire on pirates

I'm really glad they are finding ways for merchant ships to defend themselves. It's probably the most cost-effective way of stemming this thuggery.

Public service announcement

Estimated taxes are due tomorrow.

TFLNs--I never get tired of them

(360): sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name. http://tfl.nu/z35x

(734): What do you wear to apply at a strip club? http://tfl.nu/ttz5

(917): Her stripper name is Geico.  I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up. http://tfl.nu/5qka

(269): Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward. http://tfl.nu/yk34

(714): I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work. http://tfl.nu/rjuf

(484): judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog. http://tfl.nu/kq70

(432): I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line. http://tfl.nu/q8nl

(484): i told him i was allergic to semen.  he pulled out an epipen. http://tfl.nu/hdza

(989): Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with http://tfl.nu/ctqs

(330): he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder.. http://tfl.nu/5whr

(484): how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
(215): you found the shrooms didnt you http://tfl.nu/rmts

(707): I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
(1-707): You did like 8 http://tfl.nu/2yf9

(404): Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out. http://tfl.nu/ejyb

(937): How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold. http://tfl.nu/0xc1

(519): I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
(519): Omg I think I'm in the wrong class http://tfl.nu/znqx

When are the thugs going to learn they're not going to win?

UK, US sailors capture suspected Somali pirates

Living with coyotes XXV

Texas: Coyote roams gated community

Where is Inspector Lewis when we need him?

Oxford puzzles over unexplained death of professor

This is obviously a case for the Masterpiece Mystery detective.

The Brits score one against the thugs

Navy prevents attack by Somali pirate 'mothership'

Stupid Somali thugs lose again

Somali Pirates Attack Spanish Warship and Lose

TFLN time again

(631): On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
(1-631): It's like a tribute to you being a slut http://tfl.nu/t5j2

(706): On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo.  Proof that we really are related. http://tfl.nu/0zhl

(214): How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink? http://tfl.nu/kd28

(813): Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom. http://tfl.nu/y5hs

(910): You went to jail last night?!
(1-910): Just a little bit. http://tfl.nu/exzq

(910): He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that. http://tfl.nu/o050

Somali thugs keep losing

NATO 'Neutralises' Somali Pirates

Somali thugs lose again

Danish navy captures pirate vessel, frees hostages

One day's TFLNs

(941): We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships. http://tfl.nu/x14j

(336): You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch http://tfl.nu/vf66

(706): He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom? http://tfl.nu/9suz

(803): Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday... http://tfl.nu/4ejd

(605): I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway... http://tfl.nu/fmfe

(214): As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight. http://tfl.nu/njgf

(348): Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
(1-348): You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion. http://tfl.nu/i2j4

Plat du jour--guest submission

This could be a lot of things. Rapture love? Raptor love? Rap true love?

Found by Joanne.

TFLNs

(405): New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
(580): ....this is what your political science major is getting you? http://tfl.nu/c72s

(916): So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones. http://tfl.nu/pw89

(352): Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room? http://tfl.nu/ie68

(916): He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex. http://tfl.nu/zvxf

(717): He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster http://tfl.nu/7ph6

(303): why does he always try to puke into shot glasses http://tfl.nu/7wx4

(925): I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
(1-925): We just have a real special relationship. http://tfl.nu/gnex

(515): nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right http://tfl.nu/dqke

(973): How did you even find out?
(1-973): Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
(973): Oh. http://tfl.nu/227x

Lastly, there is

(609): and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier. http://tfl.nu/u9m6

which reminds me of the old story that George Burns cheated on his wife, Gracie Allen, one single time. Burns realized that Allen had found out about it, so he gave her an expensive silver tea set as a silent apology. Years later she told a friend, "I wish George would cheat on me again. I could use a new tea set."

U.S. Navy > Somali thugs

For Iranians Waylaid by Pirates, U.S. to the Rescue

Bold Lie Turns High-Seas Run-In Into Dramatic Rescue

Micro movie review

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy: Quite good, reducing the very complicated plot of the book to a movie-length story.

Bloomberg's not stupid--of course he'll say that

NYC mayor: Girlfriend's kiss better than Gaga's

TFLNs, New Year's edition

(819): The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons. http://tfl.nu/84qu

(724): I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported. http://tfl.nu/ojxl

(615): Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ? http://tfl.nu/0u6g

(812): He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet http://tfl.nu/4ir7

(570): That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga. http://tfl.nu/2c2v

(443): My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love. http://tfl.nu/12sb

(570): They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them. http://tfl.nu/mod4

(530): It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle. http://tfl.nu/j4o3

(678): I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/j7y2

(760): I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore http://tfl.nu/3q10

(410): My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night? http://tfl.nu/txqd

(913): The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
(816): Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from http://tfl.nu/rsiz

(307): puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done. http://tfl.nu/58vm

Semi-random thoughts

• I have discovered I can turn off seeing the retweets of individual people I'm following on Twitter. I'm so happy. I once had to stop following a friend for a couple of days because she was on a retweet binge. 
• I just got a visitor to my blog from the Maldives. I think that's a first.
• Now Verizon has cancelled its $2 fee for one-time online payments. This followed Bank of America's reversal of its $5 per month charge for debit card use. When are they going to learn: people will not tolerate paying for things they used to get for free. It's totally different from raising an existing fee.

Somali thugs strike again

Somali pirates hijack Italian cargo ship off Oman

Micro movie review

War Horse--over-simplified, dumbed-down, sentimentality. The play is much better.

TFLN time

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Micro movie review

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows--Crazy, unbelievable fun.

Semi-random thoughts

• For years I've been saying that Iraq would be three separate countries within 15 years of us getting out. Now I wonder if it will be 15 months.
• I recently got a visitor to my blog from Mongolia. I think that's a first.
• My wife asked me to add a couple of tags to her key ring--her new gym membership card and a Godiva Chocolate frequent buyers card.

Somalia acts against its own thugs

43 Pirates Arrested, Extensive Shore-Based Anti-Piracy Operations Continue in Somalia

It remains to be seen if this actually does anything significant.

The TFLN round-up

(408): You are right.  The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it. http://tfl.nu/jmvc

(724): My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's? http://tfl.nu/cp3t

(360): Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people. http://tfl.nu/w1ks

(619): The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
(1-619): Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl. http://tfl.nu/aous

(218): You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes. http://tfl.nu/x3hi

(712): I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand.  I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/bjop

(859): if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it. http://tfl.nu/6uvx

(712): That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist.  If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time" http://tfl.nu/be6i

(517): I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine. http://tfl.nu/qnhv

I ♥ NYC

I wonder if drivers compete for this route just so they can make this joke.

Commuter to 10 bus driver: Are you a 10?
Driver: Hope so... At least an eight.

--X10 Bus Stop

via Overheard in New York, Dec 23, 2011

Plat du jour--(timely) guest submission

Found by Joanne.

Somali thugs thwarted again

US Navy Stops Somali Pirate Attack